Worst Day Ever

The day a child dies is, without question, the worst day ever. No ifs, ands or buts. To tell a grieving parent otherwise is like a slap in the face.

This is the day a parent finds themselves unwillingly in the Grieving Parents Club. No one wants to be a member here. In fact I’m pretty sure that any parent who has lost their child would give up anything (other than another immediate family member) to never have joined.

Grief is grief. It’s a horrible place to be. When you lose parents you’re an orphan. When your spouse dies you are a widow or a widower. There is no name for a parent that loses a child. It’s too unfathomable.

We, the family, are now in the worst pain anyone can possibly endure. The pain is so intense we feel we are drowning in it. Or just as horribly we go numb, feeling escapes us. It’s a truly awful way to be, even for a short time.

I remember my family’s hairdresser had cleared some time for just us, before the funeral. The woman ahead of my appointment probably had no idea, and was happily chatting up the hairdresser as she was trying to hurry this woman out the door. I was startled to feel the thoughts raise me out of my fog just long enough to slam me with the realization that this woman’s world had not stopped like mine had. That others were continuing, that their worlds and their lives were marching on. How was that even possible? That they were still living. That I may never really be, ever again.

With that in mind, please remember that the friend or family member may now become a sort of lifesaver. Their actions and words in the next few days, weeks, months and years may help bring us back to shore.

If an acquaintance, a kind action or word will suffice. Please think it through before you say something well meaning.

If closer than that, just be there for us. Let us know you are there, and be willing to follow through. This is probably really uncomfortable, but at this time please remember it’s not about you.

Don’t try to fix this for us. You can’t. Not ever.

Don’t get frustrated when your friend can’t move on in a certain amount of time. Like it or not, there is no time limit for grief. Many months or years later you may find that your time, your love, your words and actions made all the difference in world.