I’ve recently learned of this centuries old Japanese art of repairing broken vessels. Of fixing or repairing broken pottery with something precious, like gold. I think it’s called Kintsugi.
This idea of taking something that would otherwise be nothing more than broken pieces of something possibly once beautiful and useful. Something that is now likely neither of those. And taking something else, of great value, and applying that so carefully, so creatively and purposefully to re-create it into something stronger, uniquely and beautifully so.
I relate to that broken pot, little more than pieces on the floor. Enduring so deep a loss shatters, forever, who you once were. Broken and shattered, no longer recognizable as what I once was, who I once was.
I only recently see this new carefully, put back together (almost) me. The broken pieces, yes, but with these amazingly beautiful and precious scars, showing signs of healing.
I know all too well what broke me. But what about these beautiful lines and veins that pulled me back together, that make me stronger than before? That gave me new strength.
For each person these can be different. They are uniquely yours. For me, in looking back more closely I see glimpses.
Just past the pain, the numbness and the tears I began to see other things.
I see memories, not just mine but also those shared by others around me.
I see comfort, freely offered in so many ways.
I see past moments of laughter, playfulness and mischief I would give anything to see again. They often bring a smile now.
I hear songs that meant so much to my loved ones, that bring to mind a small hand reaching for mine, to whirl and twirl about the room.
I remember the me that only they brought out, that only they could see.
I see lives they touched, and hear stories of those lives changed. I feel their sheer love of life, itself.
I look for ways, both big and small, to honor their most precious life.
I see the smallest steps taken, including more than a few stumbles.
I feel quiet peaceful moments, and soak in the beauty of things around me. Things they surely would have noticed and delighted in.
I live through should have beens, but take pleasure in new beginnings. I still feel loss and grief, but work hard to let go of guilt. I fully allow love and support of others in.
There is so much more! Each of these are a small piece of what has brought and what brings me back together. They are some the most precious lines of gold holding me in place. Each of these strengthening and shaping me.
I am not fully together, may never be, but I am beginning to see the absolute wonder and beauty in the once truly broken me.
Of Loss and Love 