One of Those Big Ones

One of those big ones is coming up. Most anniversaries still feel like big ones, even after so many years.

Last month I quietly remembered her birthday. I silently pondered the could’ve and should’ve beens. And though I still wish there had been many, many more, I gave a prayerful thanks for the few years we were blessed to be her family, and thanks again for all the lives she has touched… And I topped off the day with a bag of M&M’s, her very favorites. Not sure if I’ve shared it or not already, but yes… there is a story there…

But this next one is harder, way, way harder.

Though this year I am relieved that it falls on a weekend… I will not have to find ways to keep me extra, extra busy at work. My staff will not have to wonder why I look so sad, or why I make myself so scarce. I will not have to shut myself in my office, and turn on the sound machine in case the tears flow. I will not have to reassure my receptionist that I really am alright.

20 years seems like a long time… certainly enough time to go back to normal. I never went back to normal. Most of those like me who have lost a child don’t. We were thrown into a new normal, probably way before that became a catch phrase. My new normal started 20 years ago. To this day I still think it doesn’t feel like normal should.

But it is a long time to miss someone. To miss all those firsts. To miss their hugs and “tisses”. To miss birthday parties and holidays. To watch and enjoy all their milestones. To miss watching them grow into an amazing adult.

So for just the next bit be okay with seeing me grieve. Don’t get all ruffled or offended if I look angry… I am not angry at you. Allow for me to have bouts of sadness. Know that it may look like I’m drawing into myself, and let that be ok.

I know from past years that this is part of my process. I know that with it being a big marker year, it may be much harder than usual. I also know as hard as it is to go through, and as difficult as it may be to watch, I will come out of this small frame of time stronger. I will be more compassionate. I will have more desire and resolve to help others, and really look forward to doing so.

If you know someone either going through this for the very first time, or if you know a hard time of the year is coming for them, please extend some extra grace and compassion. Offer to be of help, or maybe just your presence. Don’t rush them through it. Maybe even bring them a bag of M&Ms.