Of Unwanted Parallels…

One inescapable fact of the living.. we are all touched, at one time or another, with significant loss. And often the causes, then effects of these traumatic events vary so greatly.

With an especially profound loss one commonality shared is that we would never, ever wish this – what we are feeling, what we are going through – on someone else.

Despite sincerely feeling this a very similar situation involving a loss can, on rare occasion, happen to one(s) we hold dear – a family member, a close friend, that amazing co-worker..

For the individual who has already suffered this particular type of loss, this happening will likely bring about a trigger or two for you. This is a natural response. You can/will react in any number of ways.. for your dear one and for yourself. There may be anger, sadness, hurt, depression, anxiety, tears and much more. There is much purpose in these things.. Absolutely and freely feel these.

But please know and really understand that because you have had a uniquely similar perspective you are also uniquely qualified to offer comfort, empathy, hope and assistance that others may not be as able to.

There is an unequaled amount of comfort in knowing that someone else really, truly and deeply understands what you are going through… particularly in the depths of mourning and grief.

Do keep in mind, though, that this is their journey, not yours. If needed repeat to yourself “It’s not about me.”

Please offer your sincerest condolences. Offer a shoulder to lean on, an ear to hear, a meal or more, and any other assistance you can give.

Keep your offers open-ended. It should not be a one time offer. Remember that mourning takes time (a lot) with many stops and spurts.

If they ask for space then allow them that, and continue sincerely checking in on them periodically.

If they need to spend hours curled up on the couch crying, with your presence nearby, be there with kleenex at the ready.. the soft and strong kind is great for this.

If they want to spend a good deal of time talking about their loved one, for goodness sake let them.

If they need help cleaning their whole house because it is all they can do to just make it out of bed, then bring snacks and cleaning supplies, get them settled in somewhere cozy, and get to work.

Remember how important it was to you when others stepped in and helped. And be patient!

Time never really heals all wounds. These scars will never fully go away. But with a little extra care from the person who has, though unfortunately, been there, done that… the ability to breathe again appears all the sooner.

Will this hurt, and maybe cost you, because you remember this pain deeply? Yes, most likely. But it is so worth it..

And for the ones that we love.. what an amazingly priceless gift it really is…