I have always thought of these two words – grief and mourning – as pretty munch synonymous, interchangeable. I have only recently discovered that they are, in fact, not.
To be fair there are many similarities in both, but oh… those differences. Each actually seem to have their own particular nuances and impacts. And each person’s experiences and journey with them will never be exactly like another’s.
Before I really get going on this I feel the need to add again the disclaimer that I am not a licensed professional. I do not have that specialized, educationally earned book knowledge to impart.
What I do have to offer is my own personal understandings, insights and bits of wisdom gained in my twenty plus years walk with these beasts.
I offer these freely, perhaps as just a part of my own healing process. Feel free to use what you can, discard what you want, and utilize any and all other avenues and aspects that you choose to help you on your own journey.
Please remember there is no right or wrong way to grieve or mourn. Timetables don’t really apply here.
It is my understanding now that grief is more along the lines of internal emotions in response to the loss. It seems to become acutely present shortly after the loss.
For myself and for a good many others I have spoken with, having gone through their own devastating loss, they felt a number of the following things. Sometimes they feel them together, sometimes separately, and often exceptionally deeply. They come about in waves, one after the other. They can be debilitating. And they can come on suddenly.
The feeling of deeply missing or a deep longing and need for the presence of that loved one. We still sometimes find ourselves looking for that person, surprised when we remember they aren’t going to be there.
We feel overwhelming sadness, anger and or depression. Exhaustion, and even numbness.
The memories of or with that loved one now come in relentless and sometimes overwhelming waves.
Grief is now an ever present companion. Sometimes we hate and despise this companion, and sometimes we welcome and embrace it.
In those rare moments here where we are able to look up and around we are surprised by the ability of others to go on through their day to day activities. Don’t they realize the world as I knew it no longer exists?
It is expected that we will at some point move from this stage into more of what is mourning.
Let me take a moment here to state that I don’t personally see grief as a stage. I see it more as a state of being that can and sometimes does re-visit us, even way later, out of the blue.
I know several individuals who remain stuck in this place, in this state of being. It can be heartbreaking to witness.
If you know someone like this please don’t alienate them just because you don’t know how to break through to them. Occasional reminders to them that you are here for them can make a huge difference, even if you can’t see it yet. At some point they may reach out, and will need the extra care and support at that time.
Recently I have seen several websites from agencies that are specifically geared towards assisting with grief therapy that had statements one their site that they can “help you get back to your normal” or “to your normal level of functioning.”
I gotta call bs. After the loss of someone close I don’t think we ever go back to our previous normal. We won’t ever have that exact same level of functioning.
Rather, we eventually find our new normal. Many of us have been doing this long before this catch phrase was popularized in this current pandemic.
And I think that this is where we began to find ourselves moving into mourning, more so than grief.
Mourning is more of an external expression of our loss. Our feelings of grief are now shown more publicly or at least more outwardly noticeable.
We are now learning to live again, only without our loved one able to be physically present.
Though we still feel the hurt deeply we are now finding ways to remember and honor this loved one. To celebrate them, even in small ways. Learning to use our coping mechanisms more in line with this new journey.
We may seek a bit of therapeutic treatment to help us wade our way through this. We may not.
We start to feel small moments of joy, peace and/or hope, even if it comes with feelings of guilt.
We might actively do something or give to somewhere in that loved one’s memory.
We may wish to share our memories, through any number of ways. We may wish or ask for you to share your memories of that beautiful soul.
Please do so, or at least try. In doing so you show you have not forgotten them, that you care. And trust me when I say that that makes a world of difference for those navigating through mourning.
Of Loss and Love 