We all have those days when we’re just not feeling it. I think that’s just human nature. But what about when it’s not just a day? What about when it is more like a week, or even for a season… like a Holiday Season?
Our first Holiday Season after the loss of our daughter I honestly remember very little of. I was pretty much on auto-pilot. I know that we did some family get togethers because 1 – we now had an almost 11 month old daughter and I know I would have made sure that she got to celebrate with the families and 2 – because I have pictures in a photo album, packed away at the moment, to prove it.
The one after that was a little rough as well. Along with our very busy almost two year old, I also had a nearly 2 month old baby boy. I remember being sad and struggling with getting any Christmas spirit going, maybe partly a postpartum thing, and likely also due to my depression/anxiety drugs being adjusted around this time.
Two Christmases in a row. And having no down holidays previously, it was exceptionally disheartening and frustrating. Two Christmases in a row where family stepped in and stepped it up, ensuring that my littles were getting surrounded with the Holiday spirit that I was unable to provide. Man were we ever blessed!
In the nearly 20 years since I have worked to give the kids a memorable holiday season, and fully enjoying those Holidays as well. It is honestly my favorite time of the year.
But this year it was different. Not due to mourning the loss of a loved one. Not for sadness in remembering. Totally different, and needed reasons, but the missing the Holiday Spirit is here all the same.
This year I was not able to pull out my tree and decorations the day after Thanksgiving. This year we were not able to decorate the tree or the hallway. This year I didn’t get to hang my three wreaths. This year we did not get to hang up the Christmas lights outside or set out the lighted deer family, with the lighted elk in their background. I didn’t to have moments throughout the month to stop and stare at the ornaments on the tree, with the lights twinkling in the background, reminiscing about when they were given, and basking in the bits of joy that always brings. No last minute rush for gifts.. that was mostly taken care of early due to circumstance and need. Though I gotta admit I am kind liking the Christmas gifts getting taken care of earlier…
This year, we have just sold our home. We are moving to a new state in just a few days. Much of my belongings, Christmas decorations included, are stacked in a storage unit 3 plus hours away from here. The rest, along with us and our pets will follow to that area here shortly, to a home that is not ours, but will be for a time. With a whole new job position waiting this week, one I am looking forward to.
We will still celebrate Christmas with family. And that will be fun. I am excited for it, but I do not feel the full on Christmas spirit. It is just not there, and I really miss it. As fun goes, I will take what I can get. But it is not the same.
But then I remember that I do not feel it due to a needed reason. And one that I am happy to have to have gone through, knowing that the coming changes are good, and that I will likely have that again next year in spades, as I am able to celebrate in what I hope will be my forever home.
And I remember that there are many others this year going through something similar to what I went through more than 20 years ago. That there are individuals facing Christmas with a breaking heart. That are mourning deeply, and that holiday spirit is so out of reach, beyond sight. That are doing their very best to even breathe.
If you know someone going through a close loss this year please just be there. Know this is something they have to go through, and that you cannot fix for them. Give extra grace, plus time and space if they need it. Don’t try to push them into a better or more festive mood. It won’t work.
Offer assistance or help where needed. Be there where you can. Give where you can. Step up, if you are able. They will likely remember for years that you were able to be to them and their family what they could not be in these moments. And what an absolutely amazing gift that is!!!
To you and yours I wish you all the merriest of Christmases!!!! May it be filled with blessings, family, friends and love!
Of Loss and Love 