I think maybe when one hears the words “feeling the feels” most would think of expressions of love. For me it isn’t just about love, romantic or otherwise. Feeling the feels can cover the entire range of feelings.. the drab, dull bleak or dark feelings.. the more peacefully hued feelings, all the way to the more exciting and vibrant feelings.
I must admit that for the most part I tend to try to stay away from the darkest of feelings. I don’t like them. And not just the way they make me feel, but also the marked effect they have on my spirit and body. I don’t like the possibility/probability of the negative events or happenings that bring them about. I have had more than enough of that to last several lifetimes.
The peaceful feels are my favorites. I’ll very gladly take hope and joy anytime. Fun is great too, as is happy. I mean, seriously, who doesn’t like feeling happy? Introspective and thoughtful are fine, as well, and often lead to other good things. Everyday life can certainly bring about any one of these, both good and bad, at any given time. It’s just one of those cool things about life. And generally speaking we tend to weather the not so great moments along with their accompanying feelings.
But what about those times or seasons that we know might not be so great? With those times coming we can sometimes make a choice or take steps to ease the feelings that will come with them. Then again, sometimes our minds, bodies, and/or emotions will override our well meaning efforts to cope. And sometimes they really give us no choice at all.
Growing up I never really cared for the end of July into August. It meant the ending of Summer and the coming of a new school year. I really liked Summers, spent with our family and our friends. I liked all the experiences and adventures to be had and enjoyed.
I even usually liked school, but rarely the start of it… too much anxiety. Would I get a good teacher(s)? Would any of my friends be in the same classes? Would the subjects be hard or overwhelming? I would usually have myself worked up into a bit of a mess for the first few weeks. It was not fun, and I really did not look forward to the start of each new school year.
As an adult it was nice to not dread that time of year, and even nicer still once I had my first child. I looked forward to the fun we were sure to have in summers, and was quite sure that by the time my first one was in school I would have a real handle on their spirits up and their nerves at bay. It would be something to look forward to.
I got to enjoy that notion for just a few short years. It didn’t last. I again dread it. It is my least favorite time of the year. And for me, this particular season lasts just over a month… yeehaw…
My daughter’s birthday is in that time frame. Every year I try to do something to make it not so hard. This year would have been her 25th birthday, and let me assure you there were a whole lot of what could have beens thought of. I did bring in the m&m’s to my coworkers. I even went back to sending a bouquet of flowers to the local hospital for the person who needed it the most… did that for the first few years after her death, and
Also in that time frame are my dad’s birthday (Happy Birthday, Daddy!!!), and my parents’ anniversary (Happy Anniversary). And while I certainly love remembering them and those special days, it still hurts.
Then to top all that off the end of this particularly tough season marks the anniversary of my daughter’s accident, and 5 days later of her subsequent death. Again, a whole lot of “should have beens” preceded by numerous “if onlys”.
And now back to the “feeling the feels”. Even though this time of year is especially hard for me, and even knowing the possible triggers and reactions, I am choosing to really feel those feels. To let each do the job it is meant to do. To allow the hurt and the pain, and the memories (good and bad) to come. To either honor or to fight each of them as I am feeling the need to do in that moment. I may soak in moments of grief, or may rejoice in fond remembrances.
I will not ask for permission to feel and to react as I do, from those unlucky enough to be around me in these moments. I will be grateful to those who allow me this space, and ever more so to those who might choose to just be present with me for even a little of that time.
Of Loss and Love 