Like most, I started out the new year with such optimism, full of reachable goals. Not the usual ‘I’m going to lose 20lbs.’ sort of goals.
My ‘Plant a garden’ goal, which turned into more of a care for and photograph the ones I was left.
My ‘Cut a walking trail through my little 6 acres.’, which turned more into mow when I can (around the til recently never-ending rain storms) and gaining a bit of ground around the perimeter of the yard, about every other time I mow.
My ‘Art room fully functional and in use weekly.’ is now my art room is fully functional, but only two paintings so far..’
And last, but certainly not least, my ‘Going to blog hopefully weekly, but definitely at least monthly.’ And now am on my, what, 3rd (?) blog of the year?
I have a lovely home, on a lovely little piece of property. I have healthy and productive grown children, who check in with me almost daily, and visit with me in person, whether here or there, at minimum once a month and often times more than that.
I have family and some friends that check in regularly, and I with them. I am truly blessed. In both my heart and my mind I know this.
I have a great big, goofy, big-baby of an Old English Sheepdog, who thinks I’m one of the best things ever.
I have even had some accomplishments so far this year, really I have.
Then why, oh why, do I not feel much like me? Why am I not the motivated person that I usually am? Why can’t I seem to focus in on what I want to do, let alone what needs to be accomplished? Why do I not seem to feel as much compassion as would be normal for me? Why is it so hard to sit down and write something meaningful, when usually thoughts, ideas and words flow freely through and from me?
Why am I not automatically looking for the good in things, in situations, in people?
Why do I more often feel alone, when I really do have amazing friends and family a message or a phone call away? And strangely counter to that, why do I want more often to be left alone, to find a place of just solitude, even if only for a half hour or so?
Why do I feel sad more often, and why do these moments hit me out of the blue more and more? Is this all just more heightened in relation to past loss, and seasons of grief?
I could go on and on with more questions. And I really don’t expect anyone to have the answer for me. Most of the time things are good. Very rarely will there be any amount of struggle for any real length of time.
I know full well that we all go through this kinds of questions, and these kinds of feelings, emotions, and state of well-(or not so well)being. I know we all face struggles, usual or not, now and again.
For now, right now, I’m just not me. I miss the usual me.
I know this is not a forever thing, that I will be back to usual at some point. But for today I want to try to will myself back to the usual me. I’m not even really sure if that is a thing.. the willing oneself back into that…
But today is Independence Day, after all. It should be (and will to an extent for me today) filled with family.. and friends.. and fun. I want to look for the good in the day, and in the moments with my family. I must admit I am not exactly sure how, but I shall give it a good try.
If all else fails, at least I will have taken some pictures. And as I look at them over the next few days or so I will look real hard. And at some point in this looking I will say ‘Right there, in that moment, there was joy. There was happy. There was fun.’
And maybe this will be just the first step of many on my way back to me. Step by step progress, I can live with that. Trying, I can live with that, too. If these lead to better and better chances of getting glimpses, then moments, then full on times of happy me, then I am so in.
Here is to steps forward. Here is to wishing you and yours many, many moments of joy and happy! And here is to wishing you an amazing, wonderful, blessed, family and friend filled Happy Independence Day!!!
Of Loss and Love 