While still technically just underway, I don’t really think that our Spring got the memo.
Even with our March’s decidedly In Like a Lion, this month has already been draped with all the trappings of Spring, complete with rain showers, flowers and trees in bloom, and sneezes brought about by also early pollen.
And with this slightly early Spring come thoughts of all things fresh and new.. New Season, new growth, new babies (wildlife and livestock), new experiences and new adventures.
Although not always in the moment, I do tend to find that I really do love and enjoy those new experiences and new adventures. This is a good thing. And while not as often as in the earlier years (following our big loss), I still find myself, now and again while in those moments, forcibly struck with an inflow of thoughts of ‘The Nevers’.
It started out often, and very quickly after our loss, these painful thoughts. She will never again give us ’tisses’. She will never again surely and possessively claim to anyone within earshot “Das my Ta ya!” (Her word for her baby sister’s name.).
She will never get to be with family to celebrate Thanksgiving and, even better, Christmas! Or Valentine’s Day, or an Easter Sunday morning in a pretty new dress, followed thereafter by Papa’s buttermilk pancakes with the aunts, uncles & cousins, then an Easter egg hunt.
And what about her cousin’s birthdays, and then her very own! Never again cake to enjoy and presents gleefully rip the paper from.
Never again would we have the joy of seeing her in the midst of her favorite things… sneaking toys to her baby sister, playing with her cousins, riding horsies with Papa and Grandma. Never again playing with the puppies or kitties. Never again watching her favorite movie, George of the Jungle, and dancing along with George and Ursula when that part came along. Never grabbing you to come and dance slowly with her to the music video of I Hope You Dance, by Lee Ann Womack.
She never got to meet her baby brother in person, who I am sure she would not only have adored, but would have been just as fiercely protective of, as with her sister.
And sooner than you would have thought possible ‘The Nevers’ seem to slow in their approach. She never got to have a first day of Kindergarten. I cried hard the day that her daycare classmates had theirs.
The years go on and the list grew, no less poignant, and sometimes bittersweet. And as this list grew fewer and fewer who knew her seemed to notice or care. I guess I can’t really say they didn’t care, those who knew her at all loved her dearly. But this march of time was not their continual reality. It is mine.
Some of ‘The Nevers’ to come we celebrated, like most every year on her birthday I arrange to have a good sized bouquet of flowers sent to a local hospital with instructions for them to go the the person who needs it the most. I also eat a small bag of M&Ms, as that was her absolute favorite candy.
And with some of ‘The Nevers’, I find myself mourning all over again. Never a Daddy/Daughter dance with her dad. Never a newly printed Driver’s License. Never a High School or College Graduation. And the mourning again brought with it the deep pain and the tears.
We never got to celebrate with her getting her first grown up job or career.
And harder still there was never months of wild preparation and a walk down the aisle, with me as the bestest Mother-of-the-Bride ever. Hey, it could’ve happened…
And now, as she would have been fully into her adult years, there is the added sadness of never getting to see my first baby with her first baby. And never getting to love on that baby or any others that might have come along…. Again, I would have been the bestest Nana ever, with all the t-shirts and mugs to prove it…
Yes, by the way, I do love seeing all the Grand kiddo pictures that my friends post, and yes I am truly very happy for them. But I am not going to lie… it does come with a little bit of hurt and a little more wistful “if onlies.”
Do ‘The Nevers’ come more often in the first few years? Absolutely. Do ‘The Nevers’ fade away with time? No, not really. Does the mourning that comes with ‘The Nevers’ lose it’s intensity or sting? Honestly that depends on everything from what that Never is to what’s going in in that given day, along with other factors probably too numerous to mention.
Do ‘The Nevers’ mean you won’t or shouldn’t ever get to enjoy the experiences and adventures that brought about the thoughts of those Nevers? Absolutely not. I can almost guarantee that if your loved one were still with you today not only might they be enjoying those right along with you, but they would definitely want you to enjoy them as well.
Do ‘The Nevers’ mean you are stuck and that you will never move on. Ok, so first – this is not something to be moved on from, it is now a part of who you are.
And secondly, it does not mean you are stuck. It means that you have loved, and have loved very deeply. It means that you continue to carry that love.
And that love that you carry… it is an unmeasurable strength, not a weakness. And it is a tribute and an honor to your loved one.
Of Loss and Love 