I have recently been seeing a Facebook post make it’s rounds describing what is referred to as a ‘glimmer’. It states that they are micro moments in your day that make you feel joy, happiness, peace or gratitude, with the idea being that the more you look for glimmers, then more of these moments will begin to appear. My daughter, even at having been at such a young age, did that so effortlessly.

I would like to think that in my newer surroundings I have, indeed, noted a number of unexpected things that bring me those glimmers. Many of mine might be tiny enough, though, to be more of a little shimmer.. kind of fleeting. At any rate I do hope that continuing to see these will be part of my weekly life, if not daily life going forward.

I’ve seen/felt some recent setbacks in my life. Nothing too dramatic or even truly life changing, but enough to be pretty discouraging. The type of stuff that easily distracts focus into mainly problem solving, rather than appreciating what might be around me. I don’t really like this me. I would rather be the more stress free and amazing moment seeking me.

Our area recently had a bike week. Yes, this is a most definitely lake area here, but man…. I have noticed that the local businesses and area inhabitants go out of their way to be super welcoming to any number of diverse groups at any given time. And during that particular week I would swear I have seen more bikes than an entire year at my previous home area. And until now I am not sure I had any real idea of just how many different types of motor bikes there are to be found. There were big, beefy shiny black motorcycles to little bitty go fast ones. There was a pink one, a teal one, a white one and an orange one – I think they were traveling together. There were very ultra modern ones, to gorgeous classic ones. Beautiful ornate ones to downright bad-a ones. Thunderously roaring ones to the smaller and sleeker zzzoooommming ones.

As the week wound down, we went to breakfast that Sunday morning at a local pancake house. Besides our table and one other small table that was occupied by a local regular. The entire remaining dining area was packed full of bikers.

Their conversations floated through the room and it became quickly apparent that this group was very passionate about their biking adventures. Some talking about past trips and get togethers, and some discussing upcoming ones. They seemed excited about not only the places they had been or were going and the sights they would see, but also who they would meet up with along the way.

They appeared to be really living their glimmers, not just noticing small ones. Their happy, their joy, their gratitude and even their peace was right out there on full display! In their shared camaraderie their glimmers seemed more like a particularly beautiful and thoroughly enjoyed fireworks display.

I must admit I felt a bit envious. I seems harder and harder for me to see my own little glimmers. And so I work harder and harder to find them. Vicious little cycle, and without the desired outcome.

I found myself wanting to be more like those bikers. So me, being me, had to then ask my friend who rides what it is that draws her into going for that ride, and what feelings or memories does it maybe invoke. Now I am not planning to run right out and buy myself a lovely little lady Harley (is that a thing?), but I really did want to know. I thought maybe this might give me some sort of guidance to more effectively find my own glimmers.

She said that for her it is the peace of just her, the Lord and the road. No phone, no talking, and freedom to go where she chooses. Hmmm… I think perhaps I am overthinking this whole thing.

Last night I got to go to a staff appreciation get together/dinner. I was really good food, with really great people, in a lovely area down by the lake. There was nothing pressing about work or life in general discussed during that time. It was just a time to relax, to be in the moment, and to enjoy the good company, surroundings and scenery.

Remembering it this morning, it got me to thinking that maybe I just need to do some of that. Take time to be near others, whose company and presence I enjoy. Be in surroundings that I find peace and comfort in. Take time to do something that is just for me, something that I am passionate about. Find or make some quiet me time, and prayer and reflection time. Purpose to quit always doing, and to just be for a bit. And maybe someday those glimmers will come as effortlessly as they did to my daughter, and as they do to those bikers..

I think maybe when one hears the words “feeling the feels” most would think of expressions of love. For me it isn’t just about love, romantic or otherwise. Feeling the feels can cover the entire range of feelings.. the drab, dull bleak or dark feelings.. the more peacefully hued feelings, all the way to the more exciting and vibrant feelings.

I must admit that for the most part I tend to try to stay away from the darkest of feelings. I don’t like them. And not just the way they make me feel, but also the marked effect they have on my spirit and body. I don’t like the possibility/probability of the negative events or happenings that bring them about. I have had more than enough of that to last several lifetimes.

The peaceful feels are my favorites. I’ll very gladly take hope and joy anytime. Fun is great too, as is happy. I mean, seriously, who doesn’t like feeling happy? Introspective and thoughtful are fine, as well, and often lead to other good things. Everyday life can certainly bring about any one of these, both good and bad, at any given time. It’s just one of those cool things about life. And generally speaking we tend to weather the not so great moments along with their accompanying feelings.

But what about those times or seasons that we know might not be so great? With those times coming we can sometimes make a choice or take steps to ease the feelings that will come with them. Then again, sometimes our minds, bodies, and/or emotions will override our well meaning efforts to cope. And sometimes they really give us no choice at all.

Growing up I never really cared for the end of July into August. It meant the ending of Summer and the coming of a new school year. I really liked Summers, spent with our family and our friends. I liked all the experiences and adventures to be had and enjoyed.

I even usually liked school, but rarely the start of it… too much anxiety. Would I get a good teacher(s)? Would any of my friends be in the same classes? Would the subjects be hard or overwhelming? I would usually have myself worked up into a bit of a mess for the first few weeks. It was not fun, and I really did not look forward to the start of each new school year.

As an adult it was nice to not dread that time of year, and even nicer still once I had my first child. I looked forward to the fun we were sure to have in summers, and was quite sure that by the time my first one was in school I would have a real handle on their spirits up and their nerves at bay. It would be something to look forward to.

I got to enjoy that notion for just a few short years. It didn’t last. I again dread it. It is my least favorite time of the year. And for me, this particular season lasts just over a month… yeehaw…

My daughter’s birthday is in that time frame. Every year I try to do something to make it not so hard. This year would have been her 25th birthday, and let me assure you there were a whole lot of what could have beens thought of. I did bring in the m&m’s to my coworkers. I even went back to sending a bouquet of flowers to the local hospital for the person who needed it the most… did that for the first few years after her death, and

Also in that time frame are my dad’s birthday (Happy Birthday, Daddy!!!), and my parents’ anniversary (Happy Anniversary). And while I certainly love remembering them and those special days, it still hurts.

Then to top all that off the end of this particularly tough season marks the anniversary of my daughter’s accident, and 5 days later of her subsequent death. Again, a whole lot of “should have beens” preceded by numerous “if onlys”.

And now back to the “feeling the feels”. Even though this time of year is especially hard for me, and even knowing the possible triggers and reactions, I am choosing to really feel those feels. To let each do the job it is meant to do. To allow the hurt and the pain, and the memories (good and bad) to come. To either honor or to fight each of them as I am feeling the need to do in that moment. I may soak in moments of grief, or may rejoice in fond remembrances.

I will not ask for permission to feel and to react as I do, from those unlucky enough to be around me in these moments. I will be grateful to those who allow me this space, and ever more so to those who might choose to just be present with me for even a little of that time.

Do you remember, back in elementary school, being asked by maybe a science teacher the question “What does a body need to live?” The obvious answers were food and water, followed closely by shelter and clothing.

I hadn’t really thought of that question again until recently. And while the above answers are certainly factually true I’ve been thinking that there is one more thing that is probably equally important. That one thing is connection.

My three sisters and I have always been pretty close. As adults we all have our own full lives in different towns in three states. Luckily the states are all connected, but I am now the furthest from them all, with the shortest drive for a get together with any of them now being four hours away.

A few weekends ago I had the privilege of acting as a sort of tour guide, as one of my sisters and her husband came to this area for a weekend visit. I was thrilled to get to show them around, to introduce them to my favorite shops and restaurants. To get to be a part of their first glimpses at this area I have so quickly come to love.

And as awesome as all of that was I found that just the time I got to spend with my sister was just as awesome for me. While I love being here, I really needed that time, that connection in particular. It was the emotional recharge I hadn’t even realized I needed. Phone calls and texting are a great way to keep in touch, but sitting down and getting to have an actual conversation with someone who knows you so well, who loves you in all your amazingness and in your shortcomings. that’s pretty priceless.

True connection.. it comes in moments of shared sadness, pain and grief, it comes with shared joys and triumphs. It comes in compassion and understanding. The moments that become our most meaningful are most often ones in which there was real connection.

I think that connection is something our souls were designed to need. Not a want, but an actual need. It’s worth to both parties is beyond measure. I think it is part of why we grieve so deeply. It is part of why that grief remains with us in some form for the remainder of our lives. And why that connection with a recently lost dear one, seems as though it (connection) might be lost as well.

I don’t think that is true. I think that connection is still there. It just doesn’t present in the same way. It is not physically noticeable anymore, as we cannot physically interact again with that dear one. But there is connection.. in remembrances… connection brought closer, even if briefly, by a scent, and sound, a touch, a sudden memory.

My wish.. may our connections (past, present and future) and the experiences and memories they bring evoke more and more peace, happiness, hope and even joy for all of us.

Once upon a time, some years ago, there was an actor. Said actor caught my notice with several movies, specifically as they were just fun to watch. And bonus, actor was pretty darn nice to look at, as well.

Fast forward several years and the same actor cemented himself, in my mind, as an absolute favorite.. not because of the earlier movies or for his dashing good looks (yes, I just said that) but because of the reaction his newest character at that time evoked out of my toddler.

Of her many amazing quirks, one that stood out a little was that if she had a favorite of anything when said thing (persons included) were anywhere in the vicinity of her she would come bounding gleefully, as well as a toddler can run, towards her deemed favorites. She was not much for toys but really, really loved several things… her people, horsies or most any other animal, a particular brand of potato chips, m&m’s, the music video to I Hope You Dance, and her one favorite video, I believe created from an older tv show and/or book. We had the video cassette of it… probably several of the same one from watching it so much, and having to replace the worn out one.

When she came running for any of these things she always did so with such joy and enthusiasm… like the rather contagious kind.

Now back to this favorite movie… she loved the whole thing really. Would actually stay focused in on it, for the most part, for the entire movie. Focusing that long for any toddler is pretty impressive, by the way. There was one part of the film that was undoubtedly her favorite part. It was where this character, the hero played by this particular actor, once hearing music starting in the jungle declared it dancing time. The heroine replied that she would be too embarrassed, she might feel stupid. He bumbled around a bit and said there was no one there to look stupid for, and danced… hopping and dancing around the fire in the evening, thus encouraging her to join in, with his gorilla friends playing the drums. She of course, though reluctantly at first, joined in. He was so joyous and exuberant in the dancing.

Every time the music began in the background my toddler would grab the hand of the nearest person and would bounce and dance. She always did it so joyfully, too! She was always in that moment and super happy. That scene never failed to capture her attention, each and every time we watched it. Sometimes we would even be made to rewind the scene, even several times, so she could dance with us more. And because of that repeated awesome reaction from her he became a real favorite of mine.

He went on to do more movies, a cool well known actions series among them, but then just kind of disappeared from movies.

Over the last few weeks, and maybe month or so, I have had the pleasure of watching him return to sight, as he is appearing in a drama, one of those that seems to have some life affirming and thought provoking kind of scenes in it.

As he is making the rounds with the talk shows, etc, I was surprised to see a subtitle on one stating something to the affect of him not really liking making that particular film. To be fair in the bit of the interview that I was able to catch I don’t think that he personally ever actually said that. It seemed it was more to do with working with, and the actions of, a specific monkey in that movie. And as someone who has worked with a few monkeys myself I can understand that. Man, are they seriously awesome creatures… but some of them… little a-holes, I’m telling you…

But I must confess to fully getting my dander up just in seeing that one little descriptive subtitle… like how dare this man, who I have admired for so long, even hint at not enjoying making the one movie that brought my little one so much happiness and joy…. the nerve…

I have since seen more of that interview, and a few others. I know that I am a bit extra particular to that movie, and the reason that I hold the memory of my daughter dancing to it so dearly. And I also am quite sure that I overreacted.. but it did get me to thinking… even if he had truly hated making it that would have been his own right and choice. I could not fathom such a thing, but he would have had his own unique experiences and journey with it with the subsequent feelings and thoughts drawn from that.

This then brought to my mind, maybe even with a little hyper focus, perspective.. and what that means for humans as a whole and individually. Any given thing can bring me joy and happiness, or sadness and despair, or anything in-between. The very same thing can bring about the opposite feelings and emotions in any other person at any given time. And no one is wrong in their’s. Those are wholly their’s. That’s just part of being human.

I know the pain of having a perspective few have lived through and that so many misunderstand. I know this is due to personal experience with the unthinkable, and so I often choose to overlook the perceived pity, frustrations and judgments of others towards me or my family in those moments. I might be misunderstanding them myself and if not then I remember they cannot truly understand the depths and nuances of my perspective. They just do not share the experiences that make up that perspective.

I also have recently noticed that what is perceived and perspective are often interwound in use, but that they are not actually the same thing. To me perceived is what I think I have seen or know, where perspective is born of our personal experiences and/or journey.

So with this in mind I am beginning to look to not only note perspective in others, but to honor the feelings and choices those may bring to the individual. Today I got to see and practice this in action.

In our new home state and area we have made it a point to get out at least once on any good weekend to find to places to see or local stores to visit. To support locally when we can. I particularly love a good antique store, and we found one today.

It is a new building in a town about 10 minutes away from where we are currently living. There are vendor booths, with a lot of cool things to see. I tend to be drawn to specific things, some of a pattern I collect or something unique like a vintage cast iron toy.

While here I was admiring an antique baby bed. It was well made and wider than most I have seen from that time frame. It had a number of baby dolls in it. Though sometimes quite lovely vintage dolls just aren’t really something I am drawn to.

As I was passing along the bed from the inside of the booth there was a lovely older woman coming from the other direction in the aisle way, who paused there at that bed. I don’t think she noticed any one else at all there, just those dolls. She seemed to be drawn to one in particular, and gently and carefully picked it up. I would even go so far as to say she held it lovingly.

I would swear that at that moment her mind went far back to a wonderful time and place in her past. She looked both happy and saddened at the same time.

It hit me that I was visually seeing someone else’s perspective. Initially my own perceived notion of the doll was not favorable. It was worn and seemed a little creepy to me. I was only pulling from what I thought to be. She, however, saw and cherished that doll with the full perspective of a personal experience or experiences past.

I promise you that I did not stay in that area long. But I did take notice. I respect the feelings and emotions she experienced in that moment. And I feel honored to have seen a glimpse of the woman’s heartfelt perspective.

In the last few weeks we began a new journey, albeit a bit rockily. New state, new temporary home, new jobs. And if you know me at all you know that change isn’t something I am very good at. I don’t really like it. I like the comfortable, the known.

But this was a needed move, and a good one at that.

In this new journey I purposed very early on to look for the silver linings. To look for anything and everything good, and that could bring me some sense of comfort, peace and normality. And in looking for these things I might keep some anxiety, worry and even any depression or sadness at bay. And I am happy to report that for the most part I have been successful in doing just that.

Some of these findings I have had to strive for, and some I seem to have been blessed with out of nowhere. Below are a few of these..

I lost things recently, like they were destroyed lost, not the they got up and wandered away kind of lost. But the good thing… I have been able to replace what was absolutely needed, but am not stressing about replacing the other things right away. I have some contentment (oddly) in waiting to later search out just the right pieces, of the important things. But I am also finding some things were just that… things, and are not necessarily important or even needed.

I have a longer drive to work than I have had in many years. But the good thing… there is much that is lovely to see along the way, even in scenery alone. I am also given lots of extra time to worship and to pray here in this drive. I am more able to really focus my prayers in and give extra time for any given friend or family member that comes to mind. Plus I get to see more wildlife… the deer are plenty up here and it is really nice to come around a bend and see a good sized herd eating contentedly in a field.

I have a new job in a field I was not looking in or would have expected for me. But the good thing… I am finding that I am enjoying this job. I am not only enjoying the job, but I and my contributions are appreciated and encouraged there. The supplies and equipment needed are always there, making my job all the more efficient. The staff is celebrated there. We had a luncheon on Friday – a Happy Birthday (another staff), Happy Retirement, we are going to miss you terribly (a different other staff), a we’re so happy to have you (yay, me!) here, and a Happy Friday luncheon, complete with a food choice addition made because of my own dietary restrictions. How cool is that!?! And yes, I get that this is not an every day thing, but man… what an awesome thing to get to have this amazing work environment! I feel truly blessed..

It snowed recently. It was a heavy, wet and freezing kind of snow. The snow day, even though the weather man said there would only be 1 to 2 inches (he fibbed) and it turned out to be 4-5 inches and keep your butt at home kind of snow. And the good thing… it allowed for one day to get more done at the house that needed to get done. And bonus, it was just beautiful outside, like a postcard or Christmas card beautiful. And second bonus, my Old English sheepdog found out that he loves the snow. He wanted out often and looked like a tigger bouncing through the snow, which was pretty darn adorable.

These are only a few of the many amazing silver linings I have experience in just the last two weeks.

I am quite sure something that my parents, and particularly my dad, used to somewhat regularly impress on us girls growing up was the importance of enjoying and being happy just right where you’re at. That looking forward and planning for future things was great, but that being in the moment, in the present, and finding the amazingness in that is just as important, if not more so.

Being happy where we are at isn’t an easy thing, probably for most anybody. It is especially not easy for someone who had gone through significant loss. Happy for us is more often associated with before the loss.

But in the last two weeks, probably more than at any other point in the last 8 years, I am getting that.. what my dad said/encouraged… And I can’t say that it will last, but I certainly hope that it does. That I don’t again get so caught up in the every day stresses that I can’t see the little things right in front of me.

I would like to go for that walk (though not in this cold), finding many hidden beauties in nature. I want to dance or jump and spin in the rain (in warmer weather, perhaps). To go for a drive with no set destination and enjoy the scenery along the way. To read a great book, and find some hidden marvelous insight in doing so. I want to see a bald eagle flying near, and feel that God is saying “Hey, this is going to be a great day!” (It’s a thing with God and me…)

And in everyday-ness… I want to find and make note of those things there. To be grateful and pleased to have noticed. To be contented with, and even happy with, being right where I’m at.

As weeks go this last one or two have been a real Doozy… with a capital D.

The Holidays in and of themselves can be tricky enough all on their own. This one has been particularly so, with a notable lack of Holiday spirit, likely in large part due to a now complete (mostly) out-of-state move. Now add in to both the holiday and the moving activities some nasty inclement weather, which has rather mucked with the timeline of the move.

Next throw in an unfortunate moving van mishap, resulting in the loss of a good number of belongings, including some rather special passed down antiques. A little more on that later as I really must note here that no humans or pets were seriously harmed. All these are all accounted for and are currently, for the most part, well.

Needless to say this has not been my best Holiday Season.. not by a long shot. Not the best Christmas. Not my best birthday. Not the best New Year. Not at all how I pictured or would have wanted it. To say my ‘Happy’ has been little lost and maybe even hiding is an understatement.

But in the midst of all this crap (using that term very lightly here) I earnestly and purposefully am looking for those snippets of good, bits of better even, well, better. Those glittery sparkly moments. The silver linings….

And a little back to it… Those beautiful antique tables and dressers, the comfy cozy beds, two very good sized reptile enclosures and contents, my unmentionables, and so many other things, both precious and practical alike now lost… Was I shaken? Yes, absolutely. Was there deep worry, some anxiety, and tears? Yes. But these are all things. Some family memories attached to them are certainly held dearly, but they are things none the less.

Lining one… and this one is the most important… no one in my family was seriously hurt. And had there been several different slight variations in our movements or actions that day it could have been devastating in that area.

Lining two… all the pets remained safe, even if inconvenienced and a bit discomforted. They are still safe, and we are replacing their needed items as we can.

Lining three… though we could not all make it to the same place that night due to the issues and weather conditions, we did find accommodations to suit, until the remaining could safely get on the road the next morning.

Lining four…. the home we are now in is not ours. But that is only temporary. It is a comfortable place for the time being. We are most grateful for the time here. And from that we are that much closer to where we will need to be.

Lining five… there were two other moving van and three other trailer loads that made it with no issue whatsoever… Seems like a lot, I know. But most of you would have to concede that should you have to pack up to move now you would likely find you have accumulated more that you remember having. We still have much. And even within the destruction we found some very meaningful things that made it surprisingly well intact… like my mom’s recipe box, the majority of which’s recipe cards were scattered throughout the mess.

Lining six and another favorite, though I think this should be higher on the list, we did get to spend some actual time Christmas Day (in-between packing) with my sisters and their families. I really think that everyone should be blessed with sisters like mine…

We are bruised, but not broken. This coming year shows so many wonderful possibilities, some not yet seen or known, and many blessing are very sure to come.

My hope for each of you in this New Year is that the good far and away outweighs the bad, amazing memories are made to hold to, time and experiences with family are found often, remembrances are both fond and easier, silver linings are brilliantly so when absolutely needed, blessings rain down on you in the most opportune moments, and new awesome experiences and amazing travel find you.

My hope for you and yours is that 2023 be your best year yet!!! A very Happy New Year to you all!!!

We all have those days when we’re just not feeling it. I think that’s just human nature. But what about when it’s not just a day? What about when it is more like a week, or even for a season… like a Holiday Season?

Our first Holiday Season after the loss of our daughter I honestly remember very little of. I was pretty much on auto-pilot. I know that we did some family get togethers because 1 – we now had an almost 11 month old daughter and I know I would have made sure that she got to celebrate with the families and 2 – because I have pictures in a photo album, packed away at the moment, to prove it.

The one after that was a little rough as well. Along with our very busy almost two year old, I also had a nearly 2 month old baby boy. I remember being sad and struggling with getting any Christmas spirit going, maybe partly a postpartum thing, and likely also due to my depression/anxiety drugs being adjusted around this time.

Two Christmases in a row. And having no down holidays previously, it was exceptionally disheartening and frustrating. Two Christmases in a row where family stepped in and stepped it up, ensuring that my littles were getting surrounded with the Holiday spirit that I was unable to provide. Man were we ever blessed!

In the nearly 20 years since I have worked to give the kids a memorable holiday season, and fully enjoying those Holidays as well. It is honestly my favorite time of the year.

But this year it was different. Not due to mourning the loss of a loved one. Not for sadness in remembering. Totally different, and needed reasons, but the missing the Holiday Spirit is here all the same.

This year I was not able to pull out my tree and decorations the day after Thanksgiving. This year we were not able to decorate the tree or the hallway. This year I didn’t get to hang my three wreaths. This year we did not get to hang up the Christmas lights outside or set out the lighted deer family, with the lighted elk in their background. I didn’t to have moments throughout the month to stop and stare at the ornaments on the tree, with the lights twinkling in the background, reminiscing about when they were given, and basking in the bits of joy that always brings. No last minute rush for gifts.. that was mostly taken care of early due to circumstance and need. Though I gotta admit I am kind liking the Christmas gifts getting taken care of earlier…

This year, we have just sold our home. We are moving to a new state in just a few days. Much of my belongings, Christmas decorations included, are stacked in a storage unit 3 plus hours away from here. The rest, along with us and our pets will follow to that area here shortly, to a home that is not ours, but will be for a time. With a whole new job position waiting this week, one I am looking forward to.

We will still celebrate Christmas with family. And that will be fun. I am excited for it, but I do not feel the full on Christmas spirit. It is just not there, and I really miss it. As fun goes, I will take what I can get. But it is not the same.

But then I remember that I do not feel it due to a needed reason. And one that I am happy to have to have gone through, knowing that the coming changes are good, and that I will likely have that again next year in spades, as I am able to celebrate in what I hope will be my forever home.

And I remember that there are many others this year going through something similar to what I went through more than 20 years ago. That there are individuals facing Christmas with a breaking heart. That are mourning deeply, and that holiday spirit is so out of reach, beyond sight. That are doing their very best to even breathe.

If you know someone going through a close loss this year please just be there. Know this is something they have to go through, and that you cannot fix for them. Give extra grace, plus time and space if they need it. Don’t try to push them into a better or more festive mood. It won’t work.

Offer assistance or help where needed. Be there where you can. Give where you can. Step up, if you are able. They will likely remember for years that you were able to be to them and their family what they could not be in these moments. And what an absolutely amazing gift that is!!!

To you and yours I wish you all the merriest of Christmases!!!! May it be filled with blessings, family, friends and love!

Yesterday afternoon a dear friend of mine texted me, asking if I had any plans for this evening. In the current chaos that envelopes my life I must confess to preferring to spend as many evenings as I am able doing next to nothing. It’s a bit of a stress relief, though honestly not likely a good for you kind of coping outlet. But in this case as she further elaborated in her reply I felt the desire join her in this outing she offered.

Have you ever heard of the Angel of Hope, or of the story behind it? Even after attending and hearing about it there tonight, I do not yet feel I could do it justice in any form of retelling. So I will leave that to you to read up on.

For a brief summary I believe there are currently just over 160 worldwide, and all are meant as a place to honor the lives of children that are gone too soon, and are meant specifically as a place of hope and a little healing for the parents and families and friends of them. From what little I can see there is usually a place for individualized memorial bricks either at the base of the angel statue or in a wall near the angel statue.

And on this very day, every year, at 7:00pm sharp there is a Candlelight Memorial service at each of these locations. I believe that the local one has only ever had to miss one of these services since it arrived here, and that was due to icy roads.

In this nearby town there is a lovely garden. It is a wonderful little garden getaway, with some winding paths, some seating, a pond, and lovely garden spots throughout. Tucked away here is a path that leads to their resident Angel of Hope. This one is placed on a roundish rock base, and the base of it is encircled by the memorial bricks, with names and years on them.

We met up there tonight with others, and after getting a styrofoam cup of hot chocolate we were directed along to a table with a gentleman behind it ensuring that we each were given a votive candle holder, complete with a lighted tea light candle, and a pale carnation.

We were then pointed in the direction down a path where you could see a ways off the angel statue. Tonight pathway lights softly lighted the walk-way there, softened a little more by the very misty rain. More mist than rain, really.

I am not yet familiar with this ceremony, so I am sure that I missed much in it’s relatively short duration, as I was looking around and trying to listen all at the same time that my own thoughts were going off and on to my own lost little one.

I did not know anyone there, other than the two that I came with. Though not fully freezing it was chilly, and many of us were bundled up a little. Just a batch of normal, everyday people, most lost in our own thoughts.

In the midst of my own thoughts I was drawn to one woman in particular. As my head was bowed, and eyes not really closed during the prayer I noted just to the front and left of me a pair of feet in sparkly gold (I think, it was dark out) sandals. I remember thinking to myself something along the lines of ‘man, aren’t her feet too cold about now?’

Then I looked up. She was a well put together woman, a bit older than me. She had slightly casual, but rather stylish clothes on, with a fun shorter hair cut. I think she might have just stood up from placing her candle and flower on a particular brick.

But her face… still a bit teary. She looked sad. Not the ‘oh, I feel a little sad today’ kind of sad, but the sad to your very bones kind of sad. But oddly, along with that sadness she just radiated both love (I am assuming for that one she lost) and hope. What an odd mixture!

I don’t know if anyone else saw it, or if she even realized that these were at all noticeable on her. I tried not to stare, or to show that I had seen it.

But I wondered… I wondered about her own loved one lost. What was this child to her? Her own? A close relative? How long had it been? Where these memories bringing on those emotions sad memories surrounding the loss, or were these cherished memories of happier times?

Then I thought again about what I saw in her. I know that person. Not that woman in particular, but I know what it is to have all those feelings, all unbelievably mixed up in a single moment.

These places we each go, while pulled into the moments of our remembrance of them… for each individual, and for each remembrance the variables are endless. I wish I knew how best to stress the truth and importance of this. The emotions and images evoked – sharp or cloudy, painful or cherished, heavy or joyous, are unique to us. Are carried only by us in that moment. It is in the remembering…

And in the remembrance is honoring.

I am so beyond thankful to my dear friend, and to any garden worldwide that held a similar ceremony this evening, for allowing me and others like me the place and a time for that remembrance.

Thank you..

You know those moments in life where you are in-between what was and a coming something important? Important, like those moments in life that will likely be definers. Definers of self, definers of family, definers of futures. Maybe even of legacies.

These defining moments are what will be remembered, and hopefully with great fondness.

But what about the moments when you are in-between, with the knowing of a coming decision or change, but you are not quite to the actual moment. Where you know what is coming can or will be needed or good. Where you are excited for this next chapter. Where you are passionate about what is to come. Where you are thrilled or at least tickled about what this will mean for you and/or your loved ones. But you just can’t quite be there.. not just yet.

I would like to say that I am the person that can just be happy and content in the knowledge of it. To not be worried about not knowing the exact steps needed to get there. Or even the exact when. To just have faith. But that would not be truthful, no matter how very much I wish it were.

I wish I had some magical phrase. Some all knowing wisdom to pass along that would be of great help in getting through the in-betweens with flying colors. To share this little secret of life. Some may have this knowledge, and if you are one of those individuals please feel free to share it with me. Really…

So for now, I will just sit, a little impatiently, in this moment, utilizing the ears offered by my dearest friends and family. Share with them the things I do know about the coming months. Share the vision I have of what will come further down the line, and the absolute amazing difference it will make for not only us but for others who have been through something similar.

I will find ways to engage in self-care, even if my options are a little limited at the moment by our current living situation.

I will continue to not only seek encouragement, but look for ways and opportunities to offer it, even when I would rather just have myself a little pity party.

I will do my best to jot down small memorable moments in this particular place.

I will remind myself that even though the in-betweens might not be all that memorable later, but that they are still a very needed part of getting to that next big chapter and adventure. And for that I am truly grateful.

Seasons are never just the Seasons of the year, Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer. Seasons also encompass a time frame in our life. Could be a short season, could be an enendingly long season, or something in-between.

For me the mid to late Summer is an especially hard ‘season’. Not only does it hold my beautiful girl’s birthday, but it also holds the anniversaries of her accident and death. September 1st never seems to come fast enough, and then when it does I breathe the inevitable sigh of relief.

I worked very hard this year to look for and seek out those little things that bring a moment of joy. I wanted to more honor her memory and her life, rather than slip into, then stay in sadness or depression. She kept no room for sadness or depression, and I really, really wanted to be more like her this year.

I found beauty in butterflies, in finding plants, snakes and lizards with my daughter, in time with and encouraging my son.

And in the recent return at and near my workplace of the blond colored squirrel, the handsome Canadian geese family, the stately great blue heron, and the somewhat skittish green heron. Even in the water snake who looked enough like a copperhead to startle me momentarily.

And now, in my own personal life and home I am looking for the beauty and joy in the coming of a new season.

I have rarely been comfortable with change, particularly with big changes, and especially with changes that effect more than one area of my life.

And these changes are the beginning of a full on new season. Not the baby steps I am most comfortable with, but more of a really uncomfortable giant leap or three.

But as this change is now pretty much at my doorstep, I am choosing to flow with the changes. To embrace what the loss of what once felt secure will now allow.. for bigger and more amazing blessings. That will lead towards the ability to so beautifully effect hope and peace in the lives of others.

I choose to embrace this new season as an adventure. An adventure with much good. An adventure full of meaning and purpose. And adventure holding and extending hope and joy.

An adventure with its own many moments of beauty and awe. And that kind of an adventure is so very worth the journey.

I really look forward to sharing parts of this journey over the next few years with you.

And I so wish this coming Season bring each of you your own moments of beauty, peace and joy!!!