Self-love is hard enough for most people. It takes awareness, commitment, dedication, work, and appreciation. It does not just happen. There is little that is easy about it… at least until you have had very much practice. And then there might only be a little bit more that is easy about it.

But we are not most people. I think for us self-love is infinitely more difficult.

We have the added, heavily embedded disadvantage of a uniquely held layer and/or feeling of unworthiness. For we are here among the living, and our child is not.

Regardless of the reason for their passing we will always deeply feel a failure in this. There is a reason it is said a parent shouldn’t outlive their child. Here self love seems unreachably distant.

We will never be whole again, not like before. We will never fully heal, but we continually navigate through a healing process.. daily, weekly, yearly. It is never-ending.

It is hard to love one’s self in this ever-present state. But within this navigation we find small things that can be the tiniest of building blocks to our own self love.

I think self-care can be a part of self love, and I am getting better and better at that, but they are still two different things.

For me this morning self love took the shape of braving a drive through stormy weather… complete with lightning, thunder and heavy rain, to a lovely locally family-owned Western wear store for jeans in a nearby town.

Jeans for self-love!?! To be fair I don’t believe I have bought a pair of jeans in over 2 years. I have instead made due. I have also gained 25lbs in those same two years (I know, I know… I am working on it..). But no worries, as we all have a pair (3 in my case) of jeans set aside for when we feel ‘a little bloated’. All three have now become my every day jeans, when not in work clothes.

All three are increasingly in sadder and sadder shape. One to an over exuberant painting day, one to a sneaky, overly chewy puppy, and the last, and best pair, because I just can’t fit anymore without employing the use of a hairband to bridge the button’s reach to the button hole. This also requires the use of a longer than usual shirt, and God forbid it be a windy Oklahoma day.

As you can guess the now continual need of the use of bloaty day jeans, in further worsening condition, has given my sense of self love a pretty good beating.

I have come to realize I don’t just want new jeans. I actually need new jeans. Especially now that I have a new job that allows for jeans, or capris or shorts (not this lady… little, skinny chicken legs).. No use in feeling self conscious or uncomfortable when trying hard to enjoy and become good at my new work.

Honestly I would much rather spend any extra money on my children, my pets and my painting supplies. But out of necessity, and of a bit of embarrassment, I bit the bullet and made the trek out into the weather.

After trying on over a dozen plus 1/2 (not even a full leg up and low and behold a definite bell bottom.. not a good look on this particular short girl), I found three, that are now safely tumbling in my washer at home.. Two that fit very nicely and one really good, slightly ego boosting pair.

Do new jeans always mean self love? Absolutely not.

Do new and correct fitting jeans after two years of increasingly dumpy feeling, while having to wear your sadder, and sadder shaped bloaty day jeans count as a bit of self love?

Today yes… yes they do.

I have always thought of these two words – grief and mourning – as pretty munch synonymous, interchangeable. I have only recently discovered that they are, in fact, not.

To be fair there are many similarities in both, but oh… those differences. Each actually seem to have their own particular nuances and impacts. And each person’s experiences and journey with them will never be exactly like another’s.

Before I really get going on this I feel the need to add again the disclaimer that I am not a licensed professional. I do not have that specialized, educationally earned book knowledge to impart.

What I do have to offer is my own personal understandings, insights and bits of wisdom gained in my twenty plus years walk with these beasts.

I offer these freely, perhaps as just a part of my own healing process. Feel free to use what you can, discard what you want, and utilize any and all other avenues and aspects that you choose to help you on your own journey.

Please remember there is no right or wrong way to grieve or mourn. Timetables don’t really apply here.

It is my understanding now that grief is more along the lines of internal emotions in response to the loss. It seems to become acutely present shortly after the loss.

For myself and for a good many others I have spoken with, having gone through their own devastating loss, they felt a number of the following things. Sometimes they feel them together, sometimes separately, and often exceptionally deeply. They come about in waves, one after the other. They can be debilitating. And they can come on suddenly.

The feeling of deeply missing or a deep longing and need for the presence of that loved one. We still sometimes find ourselves looking for that person, surprised when we remember they aren’t going to be there.

We feel overwhelming sadness, anger and or depression. Exhaustion, and even numbness.

The memories of or with that loved one now come in relentless and sometimes overwhelming waves.

Grief is now an ever present companion. Sometimes we hate and despise this companion, and sometimes we welcome and embrace it.

In those rare moments here where we are able to look up and around we are surprised by the ability of others to go on through their day to day activities. Don’t they realize the world as I knew it no longer exists?

It is expected that we will at some point move from this stage into more of what is mourning.

Let me take a moment here to state that I don’t personally see grief as a stage. I see it more as a state of being that can and sometimes does re-visit us, even way later, out of the blue.

I know several individuals who remain stuck in this place, in this state of being. It can be heartbreaking to witness.

If you know someone like this please don’t alienate them just because you don’t know how to break through to them. Occasional reminders to them that you are here for them can make a huge difference, even if you can’t see it yet. At some point they may reach out, and will need the extra care and support at that time.

Recently I have seen several websites from agencies that are specifically geared towards assisting with grief therapy that had statements one their site that they can “help you get back to your normal” or “to your normal level of functioning.”

I gotta call bs. After the loss of someone close I don’t think we ever go back to our previous normal. We won’t ever have that exact same level of functioning.

Rather, we eventually find our new normal. Many of us have been doing this long before this catch phrase was popularized in this current pandemic.

And I think that this is where we began to find ourselves moving into mourning, more so than grief.

Mourning is more of an external expression of our loss. Our feelings of grief are now shown more publicly or at least more outwardly noticeable.

We are now learning to live again, only without our loved one able to be physically present.

Though we still feel the hurt deeply we are now finding ways to remember and honor this loved one. To celebrate them, even in small ways. Learning to use our coping mechanisms more in line with this new journey.

We may seek a bit of therapeutic treatment to help us wade our way through this. We may not.

We start to feel small moments of joy, peace and/or hope, even if it comes with feelings of guilt.

We might actively do something or give to somewhere in that loved one’s memory.

We may wish to share our memories, through any number of ways. We may wish or ask for you to share your memories of that beautiful soul.

Please do so, or at least try. In doing so you show you have not forgotten them, that you care. And trust me when I say that that makes a world of difference for those navigating through mourning.

It seems after the last few weeks, after several more not so good weeks, to be worse, not better.

We are now in the Holiday Season, where it is supposed to be better. Ok, seriously!?! Nope, nope, and nope.

Despite what is going on around me I am choosing to look for the good, for the bright, for the joy and the happy. Every, single little bit can find.

While there are certainly a number of people in my life that are relatively good at finding the good in theirs, the one in my life who was most great at getting into this state of mind was my daughter. The one we lost years ago.. She did this so effortlessly. I really miss seeing that.

Even to this day, some twenty plus years later, I am in awe at the way she viewed and reacted to the world around her.

She was so unjaded, with the beautiful ability to fully live in the moment.. something I have never fully grasped.

And while she took great pleasure in most everything around her there were three things she seemed to seek out that never failed to bring out her happy.

These were her people (our families and close friends), animals (horses first, then doggies, then kitties in close succession), and finally people in general. She just loved them.

It seems a strange thing to say of a toddler but making people happy, seeing them smile in turn radiated both peace and joy from this amazing little being.

We, sadly, never made it to Disney World with her, but sometimes I could have sworn a trip to the town’s newer-at-the-time Wal-Mart seemed to be her version of that. It held absolute wonder for her. I’m really not kidding.

She of course liked being wheeled down the toy aisles. But what she really, really liked there were the people. It seemed to be her own personal quest to wring smile after smile out of strangers, young and old alike.

It didn’t matter what someone looked like, or the mood they were in.. It just mattered if they smiled. For a darling toddler batting big eyes, peek-a-boos and blowing ’tisses’ are pretty heavy arsenal, let me tell you… I don’t think we ever left that store without her being pretty triumphant.

It was equally awe-inspiring to watch her with our family’s “hossies”, and we were blessed enough that most of her young cousins seemed to share her love of all things horse. If papa and grandma were there, too, then all the better! And getting to have two of her favorites, horses and family, was pure heaven for her.

She loved petting, jabbering at, and riding (safely with a family member) horses. She was happy to be held close enough to try to bury her face in a warm horse’s neck. Being near them made her face just light up, always.

I may have spoken of this little trip before, but it really sticks in my mind. It was the trip we took a few hours away to pick up a mare for my mom.

We met the seller, a friend of my parents, there at a horse show. Though family was there, my parents were pretty busy with their friend and new addition, and my sister was pretty busy keeping her little ones in check, too.

I was there, myself, with a baby and my toddler, the toddler that couldn’t get enough of horses.

And so I was absolutely mortified that for the first time ever I would have to use the dreaded toddler harness… I was the mom that could do it all! What kind of parent puts their little angel in a harness!?!

Apparently that would be the mamma with the toddler that looks at horses like most kids look in a free range candy shop..

My girl couldn’t get enough of her ‘hossies’ and there were hossies all over the place. She had been walked right into her joy. And dagnabbit if that harness wasn’t the horrible, wretched device that kept her from those beautiful, enticing creatures!

Looking back I think her initial expression upon realizing that this thing was now keeping her from giving those beloved horses her heartfelt pets and tisses, well, that was a WTF expression if ever I have seen one.

This was followed very quickly by crocodile tears, and then heart breaking sobbing, finally melting pitifully into the floor.

And that, right there, is the epitome of the depths of pure love a child has for what brings them sheer joy.

But that joy and happy that that little girl so relentlessly pursued.. the kind the just visibly and deeply radiates from your core outward.. touching those around you… The kind that it catching… that is the happy and the joy I hope to purposefully look for in these next few weeks.

And I sincerely hope for each of you the same, if not more!

So in both the big things and in the little things look closely, be purposeful, and then cherish and embrace those moments!

And PS… there really was plenty of fun on that little trip for my mostly sweet little girl. And she did get to pet and blow tissues (thanks in no small part to some kind and generous owners) to more than one obliging horse. 🙂

One inescapable fact of the living.. we are all touched, at one time or another, with significant loss. And often the causes, then effects of these traumatic events vary so greatly.

With an especially profound loss one commonality shared is that we would never, ever wish this – what we are feeling, what we are going through – on someone else.

Despite sincerely feeling this a very similar situation involving a loss can, on rare occasion, happen to one(s) we hold dear – a family member, a close friend, that amazing co-worker..

For the individual who has already suffered this particular type of loss, this happening will likely bring about a trigger or two for you. This is a natural response. You can/will react in any number of ways.. for your dear one and for yourself. There may be anger, sadness, hurt, depression, anxiety, tears and much more. There is much purpose in these things.. Absolutely and freely feel these.

But please know and really understand that because you have had a uniquely similar perspective you are also uniquely qualified to offer comfort, empathy, hope and assistance that others may not be as able to.

There is an unequaled amount of comfort in knowing that someone else really, truly and deeply understands what you are going through… particularly in the depths of mourning and grief.

Do keep in mind, though, that this is their journey, not yours. If needed repeat to yourself “It’s not about me.”

Please offer your sincerest condolences. Offer a shoulder to lean on, an ear to hear, a meal or more, and any other assistance you can give.

Keep your offers open-ended. It should not be a one time offer. Remember that mourning takes time (a lot) with many stops and spurts.

If they ask for space then allow them that, and continue sincerely checking in on them periodically.

If they need to spend hours curled up on the couch crying, with your presence nearby, be there with kleenex at the ready.. the soft and strong kind is great for this.

If they want to spend a good deal of time talking about their loved one, for goodness sake let them.

If they need help cleaning their whole house because it is all they can do to just make it out of bed, then bring snacks and cleaning supplies, get them settled in somewhere cozy, and get to work.

Remember how important it was to you when others stepped in and helped. And be patient!

Time never really heals all wounds. These scars will never fully go away. But with a little extra care from the person who has, though unfortunately, been there, done that… the ability to breathe again appears all the sooner.

Will this hurt, and maybe cost you, because you remember this pain deeply? Yes, most likely. But it is so worth it..

And for the ones that we love.. what an amazingly priceless gift it really is…

Have you ever had the privilege of sitting back and watching your two year old in the throws of discovery? Of purposely pursuing what has caught their fancy?

They seem to have this mind blowingly and magnificently, super hyper-focused tunnel vision, specific to finding and obtaining that one thing their little heart desires. This now becomes their passionate purpose. Our own little one had this ability in spades!

Everything in them now seems to be geared towards that one goal.. what they now hear or don’t hear, what tools (physical, emotional, verbal) they might use, what steps they might take, the energy needing spent.. The word ‘can’t’ nowhere in the equation for them.

Then finally, after so much concentrated effort, the purely gleeful triumph!!! And they turn to you, hopeful to see your shared joy in their accomplishment!

As an adult, within our normal day to day responsibilities, this ability – to passionately pursue purpose for ourselves – seems to be somewhat buried.

As a grieving parent, regardless of where you are in your own personal journey, this ability is buried further still.

Add to that this last almost two years where the day to day, week to week, and month by month duties, directives, demands and choices are changed, re-directed, etc at any given moment… the ability to passionately pursue a purpose is almost just a distant memory. We have been geared towards surviving, and not really towards thriving.

So, for me, I choose again to passionately pursue my purpose.

I will, no doubt, do so a bit clumsily. I will undoubtedly hear words aimed at bringing fear and doubt. I will likely stumble a little.

But I will keep getting back up, and I will fight my way forward. With God directing my steps, and with supportive family and friends, I will come fully and gleefully into that purpose. I don’t know when or how, but I know I will.

I hope most sincerely for each of you, that you find and dwell in amazingly passionate purpose!

Most years this day brings reflection. We tend to look back with a few regrets. We remember some things that brought us sadness. Then we recall the good.

We pull up fond memories.. good times and adventures in the company of those we care for. Fun had, and joyous occasions enjoyed. We remember the things that meant the most that year.

And then we plan for, and look forward to, the wonderous possibilities this new year will bring.

This year all of these other things were amplified. This year everything was just… more.

We saw things through a whole new, and not really asked for, perspective. We saw things we would not wish to see. We felt things we did not wish to feel.

We felt the need to re-evaluate our lives, again and again. To take stock of what was just want and what was truly need.

We saw the worst in ourselves, both individually and as a whole.

We were bent and bruised, and often felt broken. Every emotion was sharpened, sometimes painfully. Grief went deeper. Way, way deeper. Pain and suffering seemed to go on and on. And fear both lengthened and tightened it’s grip.

Yet in the midst of all of that there was a whole other more.

Strength, care and compassion came to the forefront.

Things once taken for granted became precious again. Our families became a priority again. Our time more thoughtfully spent and given. Our relationships and our connections strengthened.

Some of the most amazing things and biggest of blessings come out of the worst of times. And while I would not wish this worst of times on anyone, I’m so very grateful for the amazing things that came about because of it.

With this last year in mind I want to take this time to wish for you more..

May this coming year bring you more peace and more joy.

I wish you more love. I wish you more family game nights. I wish you more fun.

I wish you healing. I wish you joy. I wish you amazing peace.

I wish you an extra awesome cup of coffee or hot cocoa, and the time to sit back and savor it.

I wish for you a happy place. I wish for you purpose. I wish for you a really good book.

I wish for you great art and uplifting music.

I wish you a roller coaster ride, and a great big bag of Kettle corn. (Popcorn from Popcorn Charlie’s in Iowa works wonders, too.)

I wish you a cozy campfire, complete with Smores.

I wish for you an amazing ocean view, or a gorgeous desert sunset. I wish for you a scenic mountain trail.

I wish you more quality time with family and friends.

And I wish you all a very Happy and blessed New Year!

Please don’t get me wrong… in that moment there is no peace. In that moment there is just that moment. Then, and for a good while after, peace seems to have retreated in to an unreachable void.

For that time frame it really doesn’t come to mind. Your thoughts are filled up with what is pressing, then with what is needed to survive.

In that time it is not something that you really feel or look for.

When others, well meaningly, say times heals all wounds… it does not. Not really, not fully.

Time brings with it the little things that allow the heart to begin to beat again.

And in the next while a few moments will bring a small smile. A few moments will bring a deep breath. A few moments will bring a deeply felt, and deeply welcomed quiet.

And in these moments you begin to feel peace.

At first this may bring a feeling of guilt. To feel peace without the presence of our loved one has felt, for a time, unimaginable.

And with peace soon will come a glimmer of hope. And with hope perhaps an added initial sense of betrayal, for how can we hope with that person now gone?

But hopefully, as quickly as those feelings came, will also come a remembrance.

A remembrance that our loved one loved. That they embraced not only peace and hope for themselves, but rejoiced in it for their loved ones, as well. That they celebrated those moments with us.

And soon we realize this is not only a needed part of healing for ourselves. It is also a beautiful honoring of our loved ones.

And that is something to be thankful for.

One of those big ones is coming up. Most anniversaries still feel like big ones, even after so many years.

Last month I quietly remembered her birthday. I silently pondered the could’ve and should’ve beens. And though I still wish there had been many, many more, I gave a prayerful thanks for the few years we were blessed to be her family, and thanks again for all the lives she has touched… And I topped off the day with a bag of M&M’s, her very favorites. Not sure if I’ve shared it or not already, but yes… there is a story there…

But this next one is harder, way, way harder.

Though this year I am relieved that it falls on a weekend… I will not have to find ways to keep me extra, extra busy at work. My staff will not have to wonder why I look so sad, or why I make myself so scarce. I will not have to shut myself in my office, and turn on the sound machine in case the tears flow. I will not have to reassure my receptionist that I really am alright.

20 years seems like a long time… certainly enough time to go back to normal. I never went back to normal. Most of those like me who have lost a child don’t. We were thrown into a new normal, probably way before that became a catch phrase. My new normal started 20 years ago. To this day I still think it doesn’t feel like normal should.

But it is a long time to miss someone. To miss all those firsts. To miss their hugs and “tisses”. To miss birthday parties and holidays. To watch and enjoy all their milestones. To miss watching them grow into an amazing adult.

So for just the next bit be okay with seeing me grieve. Don’t get all ruffled or offended if I look angry… I am not angry at you. Allow for me to have bouts of sadness. Know that it may look like I’m drawing into myself, and let that be ok.

I know from past years that this is part of my process. I know that with it being a big marker year, it may be much harder than usual. I also know as hard as it is to go through, and as difficult as it may be to watch, I will come out of this small frame of time stronger. I will be more compassionate. I will have more desire and resolve to help others, and really look forward to doing so.

If you know someone either going through this for the very first time, or if you know a hard time of the year is coming for them, please extend some extra grace and compassion. Offer to be of help, or maybe just your presence. Don’t rush them through it. Maybe even bring them a bag of M&Ms.

Let me start by wishing any moms reading this a very Happy Mother’s Day!!! I wish you every bit of joy this day can possibly bring you!

For me, as for many of you, this day has little to do with extra amazing chocolates, a gorgeous bouquet of flowers or beautifully shiny jewelry. While any of those might be a very lovely thing to receive, the love of and time spent with our family is far more precious. The memories made of those are of far greater value.

When asked this morning what I would like for Mother’s Day I asked for a road trip to Northwestern Arkansas just to drive by and get a glimpse of my dream property.

To put this in a little perspective it is a lovely almost resort style property. I believe it might have been designed with large celebratory events and gatherings in mind. Complete with a lodge (with a waterfall feature!!!), a guest house, an event center, more homes and beautiful rolling acreage. It even has a covered bridge towards the entry of the property!

What you cannot see from the road can be found in its Zillow listing. It is beyond amazing. Truly..

Just driving by today and seeing that glimpse made me ridiculously happy. No joke.. Giddy (corny, I know) might be a good word. It is the stuff of Powerball dreams.

It is not the property itself that I dream of, as spectacular as it is. It is the dream it represents. The having a place where those who have so fully experienced the depths of grief could come and find some rest. To just be. To enjoy with those most dear the quiet scenery. To have the cares of everyday worries and sorrows fade to the background. To slip away, though for just a short time.

A place to renew, to begin to pick up the pieces. For the heart to begin to find it’s rythym again, to begin to heal. To celebrate that smallest of steps.

To converse with someone who’s experienced deep loss as well. Or to be left to walk and wander, soaking a little nature in.

This is a dream. And it is my my dream. Do I truly believe that I will have a place as grand as the one I rode by? Barring an absolute miracle, no… likely not.

Honestly to someday have some acreage with enough room to welcome another for a short peaceful break…. that would still be a real dream come true.

But to have a dream… even broken people, no matter how far along we are in our healing, should not only have a dream, but be encouraged in their dreaming. For in dreaming comes a little healing, too.

“Up & down, and up & down. And side to side, and side to side..” I`m not sure if those words were from a song or a story. But I remember hearing it many, many years ago.

The words, each one, was drawn out. The cadence of those sentences had a twang to it. It’s harder for me to describe, though in your company I could repeat it very well to you.

From kinda early on we are taught that life has it’s ups and downs. It is re-enforced by our own life experiences, until in our young adulthood we are convinced of it’s certainty.

Somehow it seems that someone, or many someones, has forgotten to warn us about the side to sides.

To me the ups and downs are the joys and the sorrows, and the most everything in between. They are a good part of what shapes us. If we are lucky we experience these alongside family and/or friends. We come out a little stronger.

But the side to sides… oh, boy! These are those moments, those times, those experiences that seem to absolutely slam you out of nowhere. Something we cannot control. That throw us completely off kilter.

Rather than just shaping us they sharply and sometimes painfully define us.

I had initially thought that what is now a pandemic was something that would relatively quickly pass. It could maybe be handled, dealt with and quickly moved on from… another ‘down’ in life.

But it is not. It is a ‘side to side’. Slammed one way, then another. Unrelenting. Not controlled.

It breaks my heart to see the pain this has caused, and will continue to cause for some time. It is indiscriminate. That’s one of the scariest things about it. At the least causing extra caution and fear. At the worst… well, the worst.

We have all been unwillingly thrown into this particular side to side. Thrown into something we do not want, and cannot yet fix or control.

What happens now will define each and every one of us. How we act or react.

I see frustration, grief, pain, worry and anger. I’ve shared in each of those emotions in the last few months.

But I also see far more depth of love, hope, kindness, encouragement, caring, compassion, understanding and determination.

Though I have been through the first of those last two statements, I sincerely pray that years from now my children will look back on this time period and remember of their mom far more of the second.

To the very best of your ability please strive in the next few weeks to make a positive difference in the life of another. And what an enormously huge difference that can make!