Featured

I’m just getting started and learning as I go, so please be patient with me. 🙂

This blog will reflect my personal journey with past loss and continuing life and love.

I will add in things from others, having gone through loss, too, that have been of help to them and their loved ones as well.

All with the hope of easing pain, even if just a little..

And so it begins…

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

I remember hearing that phrase “A plan and a purpose…” numerous times throughout my growing up years. It was almost always relating to one of two things.. 1) the reasoning and sometimes outcome for/of a situations one might be going through, or 2) the calling on one’s life and the (hopefully) positive impact this would bring, usually to the benefit of not only self, but especially for others.

Side note.. I have noticed that a plan always seems to need a purpose, but a purpose is not necessarily dependent on a plan, helpful though it may be. Perhaps more on this observation at another time..

And while I have certainly had numerous plans, some successful while others not so much, I confess that at this point in my life I don’t really give much thought to them. But purpose… now that is another story entirely.

For as long as I can remember I have thought with certainty that there is a purpose for every single person on earth. The particular kind of purpose that envelopes and perhaps molds our own individual identities. It’s not so much what we do , though that may play a small part in it, but rather it defines who we are, and gives hope and life to our own legacies.

I got to see an example of this play out in person about a month and a half ago. My daughter and I had taken some time out to spend a few days away at a reptile convention/show. It centers around something we both love, and along with getting to be in an environment made up of all things reptile, and other various semi-related creatures (and yes, I realize this is not everyone’s cup of tea). The critters, supplies and products alone would have been worth the trip. Being around others who share your love of these awesome creatures was an added bonus.

But the icing on the cake – a meet and greet with Emily from Snake Discovery, someone key in shaping the path to my daughter’s current career, and in a job she actually loves!!! I must admit that I became uncharacteristically fangirl-ish. We waited hours in line, first thing, to get to meet someone well worth looking up to, what with her years of experience in educating and assisting others about all aspects of so many amazing creatures.

We were only about the 30th in the meet and greet line, with the line extending back well past where I could see. She took her time with each set of guests/fans, completely engaged in each conversation, willingly answering questions, patiently undistracted, and interested in what each person had to say.

After our own turn I thought to myself ‘Wow! Here is someone completely in tune with & living fully in their purpose.’ If I had not been so amazed before I would have been awestruck in the realization. And though I would not have thought it possible I came away from the experience with an even more deeply rooted admiration for this woman, her program and business, and all those behind the scenes that make what she inspires in others so seemingly and effortlessly possible.

Because of her, them, and others like her the plans and purposes of many others, like my daughter’s, not only get to see the light of day, but to flourish in it! How awesome is that!?!

Which then brings me to some self-reflection… What of the plans and purpose that God has for me? And what about those same things for others like me? Were we really living or at least aiming for our own plan and purpose before tragedy struck? How did that tragedy alter that trajectory? Is my plan and purpose now shaped by what I wish had never happened? (In my own case the answer is yes.). What is keeping me from fully stepping into that, and how do I overcome those obstacles and stumbling blocks?

I wish I had the answer to each of these questions, but right now I just don’t. I must admit that right now am just continuing on, purposefully, on a few things… Faith – that this will come about. My own personal prayers – even when I am unsure what exactly to be praying. The prayers of others – who believe as strongly in this particular purpose and the unique and positive impact it will have on others.

In the meantime, for this New Year, I sincerely wish for you all peace and hope and joy in pursuing and in fully living in your own purpose!

… Of Friends and Family, and Holiday Greetings..

It’s that most wonderful time of the year.. In the morning I will wake up to a number of messages and posts.. almost all wishing a Merry Christmas, some adding in the New Year for good measure.

A good number of these will express a wish for merriment or at least the making of good memories with your family and friends.

Usually I welcome these, and almost as often I am one to send out these wishes. These sentiments are nearly always heartfelt, a sincere way to express our care and consideration of those we love.

If the urges strikes you to do so, then by all means, please do send them out. My only wish in this for this year particularly, is that we each take care with the wording of them. That we don’t send them out blindly or without thought. That we instead choose our words with great care, and with as much meaning and sincerity as possible.

Take an extra bit of time to consider each of your friends and your family. Each has had their own shares of joys, triumphs, and even tragedies this last year. Some may be blissfully in ensconced in the best days of their lives. Some are hurting, engulfed in their darkest and bleakest. Still others go about their days in a state of seeming normalcy.

Each and every family member and friend is in your life for a reason, as are you in theirs. And so I ask that as you create these greetings and well wishes that you do so with such thoughtfulness and such absolute sincerity. And that you do so taking no offense if they do not respond in kind.

Please remember that as much as we would wish joy and happiness for all of our friends and family this time of year some are just not there right now. So along with your well wishes and love be ready and willing to extend understanding, grace, a sympathetic shoulder or even a little space if needed. Trust me when I say that those can go such a long way and be so very meaningful.

And now for my own Holiday wishes for you…

I wish for you hope and joy wherever and as often as possible. I wish for you the bestest of friends and closest of family to walk alongside you in this New Year, to share in those joys, and to make exceptionally lighter any trials, pains or sorrows you may encounter.

I wish a renewal and/or strengthening of your faith, and a deeper and more fulfilling relationship with God. I wish for amazing wisdom, clarity and direction. For wonderous breakthroughs and overflows throughout the year.

I wish for you spiritual, physical, emotional & financial healing. I wish for you and yours a great abundance of both deep rooted peace and love.

And from the bottom of my heart I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and a beyond Happy New Year!!!

…of Thoughts and Prayers

In giving them, somehow these words never seem to be quite enough, sometimes even possibly seem to be trite. As if their meaningfulness is not really all that meaningful. That it is just something that rolls off the tongue or is more easily written and sent, with little to no deeper thought or feeling.

“I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.” In the past few months I have written and sent it myself several times. And both times I felt it wasn’t quite enough, though it was most sincerely felt and sent.

After two horrific recent tragedies, I was further horrified to see a number of people posting celebrations of the deaths – celebrating what should never be celebrated and mocking not only faith, but any and all expressions of faith. I was utterly amazed that our “thoughts and prayers” was right up in the top of those lists. First I was flabbergasted, then I was just angry. Like seriously, just why? I know that we all have likely felt those words weren’t enough of an offering to those in the midst of such a heavy loss, but also that sometimes the offering of those words is all that we have left to give.

So I sat down in my comfy chair, curled up with an even comfier blanket and began to contemplate and to pray. First prayers were that God might open the eyes and hearts of these exceptionally misinformed individuals. Then I prayed for more clarity into the expression. I mean I know deep inside what I mean when I say it, but I wanted to have at hand more of the meaning of the expression.

So I started with thoughts… thoughts in this context are not just scattered thoughts, but are instead lovingly and purposefully brought to the forefront of our minds, whether for the recently lost or the loved ones they left behind. These thoughts include memories of and feelings about the person we wish to honor with those thoughts. These most often reflect the best of that person, the things we loved and admired the most about them. The things they made us feel, not only about them but about ourselves, all those things good, and uplifting, and fun. The things they taught us, or the things we learn just by being around them. The life lessons they bestowed. These same things that they brought into the lives of shared family, friends, and acquaintances. All that is wrapped up into what this person means to us, and our care of/for them… these are our thoughts.

And then I moved on to the prayers. Prayers are not merely platitudes for one who has a relationship with God. Prayers are, in fact, exceptionally powerful tools. Along with a heartfelt worship and/or discussion with our Heavenly Father, they (prayers) are purposefully engaged in spiritual warfare, used as a weapon and/or cover of protection. They are also engaged in bringing about healing and even miracles for not only ourselves but often for our loved ones.

As I have said before, grieving the loss of a close loved one never really goes away. The pain it brings ebbs and flows, from nearly unbearable to barely there and anywhere in-between. But those prayers have the power and ability to soften or lessen that pain and that mourning for our loved ones. And that little bit can make such a huge difference.

When a family member, a friend or even a fond acquaintance goes through the loss of a loved one, we gladly give what we are able to give. We support in any way that we know to do so.. being there physically to meet needs, or just being there for emotional support. But sometimes all we honestly have left to give is our thoughts and our prayers. And what deeply amazing gifts these two things really are…

…of A Time And Place

I had absolutely no idea when I last blogged that that very morning, two states away, tragedy had struck, fiercely and swiftly, so many.

Though I rarely watch the news I am a little embarrassed to say that I do tend to check Facebook at least two to three times a day. That day I didn’t. That day I just enjoyed having the day off and spending the evening with not often seen in person family. Who doesn’t love a snuggle from a baby great-niece, or goofy grins and peek-a-boos with a toddling great-nephew? It really was a great evening all around.

So I was a little surprised when scrolling through Facebook the next morning that one of the first things I saw was a post with just a picture of the state of Texas outlined, with the words “Texas Strong” written inside. It was posted by a high school friend who had moved to the Texas Hill Country area years and years ago.

I do, in fact, have several friends who happily call Texas home. Most of the Texas folks I know are a strong and proud people, and rightfully so. So the phrase “Texas Strong” was not really all that surprising, though I was curious as to what it might refer to this time.

As I began to scroll just a little more it became quickly clear as to what that saying had referred to. A flooding, and a flash flood at that..

As I said before I don’t usually pay attention to the news. For the last four years or so it doesn’t really seem like news, just slanted views and agenda. Hardly worth any time at all. But now I was drawn in. Though not anywhere near this scope of magnitude, my own personal journey with child loss being due to the effects of drowning, I felt a small sense of connection to these families.

With the first few stories of rescue my heart leapt with a bit of joy. As each day began to pass with little to no word my heart grew heavier and heavier. My heart ached, weighing more and more for these mom’s and dad’s, siblings, grandparents and other family and friends, waiting at first with hope, then watching hope dwindling and fading. I remembered that feeling. Nearly twenty-five years ago for us, but triggers don’t care about time. That unwanted feeling came flooding back in. I hate that feeling..

There were all these girls from the campground. And there were families, up and down that river, in cabins, tents and RVs. Apparently an amazingly beautiful place to get back to nature. But floods don’t discriminate, not with place, not with person – not age, sex, race, gender. Not with creatures, and not with cover or housing type.

In those first two weeks I sat down five different times to write in this blog, and five different times my words were not right or not enough.

I could only take in the bits and pieces that came my way. Those few heart-warming, miraculous stories, then the heart-breaking stories. And even from people who, quite frankly, should have learned when to keep their mouths shut and opinions to themselves. I’ve never wished I could go throat punch someone before, but would have happily made an exception had I been anywhere in the vicinity of this woman when she said what she should not have said.

Each time I felt strongly in these moments of joy, sadness, tears and grief, or even anger and rage I would sit down to write. And each time I could not post what I had written.

While my own personal tragedy many years ago brings with it a sense of real caring, empathy, and grief.. this tragedy is not mine. This is not my story. It is theirs.

It was not my time or place to be in a position to be able to go and help, as much as I would wish to, and as little help as I would have been..

And as much as I would have relished the opportunity to throat punch that woman, that was not my place either. Though I do not know the outcome of that situation I do know it could not have come without cost to her. I honestly hope she realized the import of what she said and was truly remorse.

While I only have my tears and prayers to give, and will continue to do so, I am so grateful that there were many who were able to answer that call, to be able to be there physically to help and to support. Those who answered the call to rescue, and then later to recover. Those who cared for those who answered the call. Those who supported each of those families with loved ones found, missing or lost.

I know little about that community, except that they came together with an overwhelming amount of support and care with and for one another. With no agenda, and with no desire for self recognition they did what needed to be done, and continue to do so. They have embodied, above and beyond, what it is to be “Texas Strong”.

I can only hope that should the need ever arise near enough to be of help, that we each are able to offer up what is in our power to give. That we step in and help where it is needed. That we give of ourselves freely, and with no need or desire for recognition. That when it is our time or place, no matter how big or small the circumstances, we do all we can to see those needs are more than met.

… of Not Being Me

Like most, I started out the new year with such optimism, full of reachable goals. Not the usual ‘I’m going to lose 20lbs.’ sort of goals.

My ‘Plant a garden’ goal, which turned into more of a care for and photograph the ones I was left.

My ‘Cut a walking trail through my little 6 acres.’, which turned more into mow when I can (around the til recently never-ending rain storms) and gaining a bit of ground around the perimeter of the yard, about every other time I mow.

My ‘Art room fully functional and in use weekly.’ is now my art room is fully functional, but only two paintings so far..’

And last, but certainly not least, my ‘Going to blog hopefully weekly, but definitely at least monthly.’ And now am on my, what, 3rd (?) blog of the year?

I have a lovely home, on a lovely little piece of property. I have healthy and productive grown children, who check in with me almost daily, and visit with me in person, whether here or there, at minimum once a month and often times more than that.

I have family and some friends that check in regularly, and I with them. I am truly blessed. In both my heart and my mind I know this.

I have a great big, goofy, big-baby of an Old English Sheepdog, who thinks I’m one of the best things ever.

I have even had some accomplishments so far this year, really I have.

Then why, oh why, do I not feel much like me? Why am I not the motivated person that I usually am? Why can’t I seem to focus in on what I want to do, let alone what needs to be accomplished? Why do I not seem to feel as much compassion as would be normal for me? Why is it so hard to sit down and write something meaningful, when usually thoughts, ideas and words flow freely through and from me?

Why am I not automatically looking for the good in things, in situations, in people?

Why do I more often feel alone, when I really do have amazing friends and family a message or a phone call away? And strangely counter to that, why do I want more often to be left alone, to find a place of just solitude, even if only for a half hour or so?

Why do I feel sad more often, and why do these moments hit me out of the blue more and more? Is this all just more heightened in relation to past loss, and seasons of grief?

I could go on and on with more questions. And I really don’t expect anyone to have the answer for me. Most of the time things are good. Very rarely will there be any amount of struggle for any real length of time.

I know full well that we all go through this kinds of questions, and these kinds of feelings, emotions, and state of well-(or not so well)being. I know we all face struggles, usual or not, now and again.

For now, right now, I’m just not me. I miss the usual me.

I know this is not a forever thing, that I will be back to usual at some point. But for today I want to try to will myself back to the usual me. I’m not even really sure if that is a thing.. the willing oneself back into that…

But today is Independence Day, after all. It should be (and will to an extent for me today) filled with family.. and friends.. and fun. I want to look for the good in the day, and in the moments with my family. I must admit I am not exactly sure how, but I shall give it a good try.

If all else fails, at least I will have taken some pictures. And as I look at them over the next few days or so I will look real hard. And at some point in this looking I will say ‘Right there, in that moment, there was joy. There was happy. There was fun.’

And maybe this will be just the first step of many on my way back to me. Step by step progress, I can live with that. Trying, I can live with that, too. If these lead to better and better chances of getting glimpses, then moments, then full on times of happy me, then I am so in.

Here is to steps forward. Here is to wishing you and yours many, many moments of joy and happy! And here is to wishing you an amazing, wonderful, blessed, family and friend filled Happy Independence Day!!!

…of Purpose in Pain…

About a week ago, while skimming through Facebook, I was delighted to have stumbled across a video of a song. On the split screen to the left side was a man sitting by a pool with a trumpet on one side, a ukulele in his lap, and some kind of small round rattle-type thing shaking in his hand. On the right split screen there was a happy looking little boy, looking to be about 5 years old, in what appeared to be a classroom in Africa.

At the start of the video the boy begins to sing, with him soon going into the chorus. I hope that I am quoting this correctly… ‘Lord I thank you for sunshine, thank you for rain. Thank you for joy, thank you for pain. It’s a beautiful day ay ay ay ay. It’s a beautiul day ay.’ And then he sings the chorus again. There are other words of course, and overall the song is very beautiful and quite catchy. It made me smile a lot.. I just couldn’t help myself. I really would highly recommend that you view it some time. And in case you might want to look it up, it is the version from The Kiffness x Rushawn.

Now this song has stuck with me, off and on, for the last week. Upon further reflection on the words of the song, I found myself catching on to a small part of it. “thank you for pain.” Did that little boy really just say that? So I went back to the video and listened again. Yes, yes he sure did.

Why on earth would anyone be thankful for pain? Pain, by it’s very nature brings hurt. Often a very deep and heart-wrenching hurt. The kind of hurt that just sucks you in and leaves you feeling in a sense of near drowning. The kind we do our best to stay away from. We shy away from it.

What good can there possibly be in this pain? What reason could we have for being thankful for it, at all?

So then in comes the self-reflection, something I am not the biggest fan of. I am definitely thankful for both the actual sun and rain. These make things grow, and are great for health – for people, animals and plants alike. And I am always thankful for joy, in the precious few moments that true joy comes in. I try to soak as much of it in as possible, while I am able to. And I am even more thankful when I can be a part of imparting any bit of joy to others. It just makes me happy.

But pain? Can I be thankful for pain? Have I ever really been thankful for pain? What does that even look like?

So then even deeper reflection on the matter.. As with every single person on the planet there have been plenty of moments filled with pain. It might be a physical pain, indicating an issue that needs attention. I guess I can be thankful for the reminder that brings, and it’s part in getting on the road to healed.

It might be an emotional pain. These might come about in the form of a change or a loss. Loss of a job or position, or even starting a new position. A change like a move – unexpected or fully planned for. Or the hardest for me – the loss of a loved one or a friend.

At the time of these things I must admit that I do not like that pain. I am not thankful for that pain at all. But can there still be purpose in that pain? I even tried this last week. I have looked for times this week where I might be thankful in moments of pain. Not gonna lie, I kinda suck at it right now.. I do hope to get better, though.

As I think back further to instances of painful times and moments I find that the answer is yes. That there can be purpose in those painful moments. And that, strangely enough, joy can also come from those, and in ways that we might not expect.

The loss of a job, while in that moment not wanted, may well have led me into a far better job, resulting in much more fulfilling work and a far more healthy work environment.

The moves… while I was comfortable in where I was and what I knew and I have a difficult time jumping into something new, I must admit to being in a far better place, with much opportunity to do things I was unable to do or have before. I love my dedicated painting room in my home. And I am super excited about being able to cut trails and maybe plant a garden this Spring. Okay, so in full truth, I might not be all that excited about the work that will have to go into those things, but I am really looking forward to being able to utilize them both once the hard work is put in.

But the hardest pains of all are the losses of my loved ones and losses of friends. With friends it has been more of a loss of the deeper relationships usually due to changes in life situations or a move. With those I can find joy in memories of great conversations and great times had, and I can find purpose in any life lessons they may have brought to my life. Plus with social media these days I still get wonderful glimpses into their lives, as they are able to peek into mine.

The losses of family hit harder still. With extended family it still hurts, and I grieve with other friends and family, but I will also have some great memories to last my lifetime.

With close family the grief cuts more deeply, leaving distinct and noticeable scarring. This grief works it’s way into your heart and your soul, never fully leaving you. The lessons from these relationships stick harder and way longer. And the best of the memories, both the joys and the pains, remain and come to the fore when you need them the most. These comfort in moments when the grief hits again, and it will.

And for some, like me, this hardest of losses and deepest of pains, can also bring purpose. This loss, though never wanted, might bring about something in or from you that could make a very real difference in the life of another. For me, being able to have a small part in making that difference for someone else brings a huge sense of purpose. If even in pain I could give back to another any small sense of peace or of hope… that is something I am beyond thankful for.

So I guess in some way the answer to my earlier question is that yes, there is reason to be thankful for pain. And for me it is such a worthwhile reason to be thankful, indeed.

of All Things New…..

With our very recent move there will most definitely be much that is new in this year. New property and nearby state park to explore. New community to become familiar with. New local businesses/establishments to frequent – restaurants, grocery stores, chain stores, etc. New health care providers to find. New hair salon to choose, because let’s face it.. two years without so much as a trim is a bit much..

In my own small family, and then extended family there will be many other new things to come about… new jobs, and new baby, new accomplishments and milestones, new relationships, etc. And now throw in the hoped for new things – some might even say resolutions… for me personally this involves a much more mindful approach to improving physical and overall health. I just want to feel healthy again.

Then there will likely be some not so welcome new things to arise in this year. I know that life is made up of much change but I’d honestly rather not dwell on those things just yet…

On this day – January 1st, and over the next week or so – every single year – there is so much focus on all things new. And as nice as it is to leave behind all the crappy stuff that last year brought, I think that in all this new it is just as important to find a way to honor and even cherish some of the old, some of what this last year (and even before) brought, all while still embracing the new.

I would like to continue to embrace the still healing me. I would like to re-embrace the artistic me. The me who finds and relishes moments of peace. The loving and kind me. The giving me. The relaxing and just being me. The growing me. And I want to appreciate and love the surviving me. The me who still, years and years later, grieves so very deeply our losses. And the me who finds/takes joy in the remembrances.

I will strive to continue to embrace my children, grown though they are, with all of their sameness, differences, improvements, set-backs, growths, sadnesses, joys, etc. Everything they were, everything they are, and everything they are becoming. To accept and embrace any and all who they love and care for.

I hope to connect more with dear old friends. To encourage, support and uplift them. To lend a presence, an ear or a prayer when needed.

I hope that this year you and yours find all that is new to be amazing, That you find many new moments of joy, and many wonderful memories to be made. I wish you much continued healing and growth, in spirit, soul and body. I wish for you all much, much love. I wish for you the absolute best of all things both old and new alike. I wish you all the very happiest of New Years!

… of Forget Me Nots

While the flower of that same name is certainly a lovely and happy little flower, in this case I do not mean the actual flower.

For all of us who have suffered such a huge loss at any given time, and often more decidedly so on or near any given anniversary, we will look for reminders of or ways to commemorate our loved one. Something that will bring the memory of them closer to us. Something tangible. Maybe a sight, or a sound, or a smell that triggers a feeling we can embrace, even for just moments. Something that says “yes, this was an absolutely amazing individual, and she made such a difference!” or “his life so mattered!”

Over extended lengths of time our daughter’s memory seems to have faded into a hazy background of a memory for most, including a good number of our family and friends. Brought to mind as an “oh, I remember when she…”, or sadder still as a “shouldn’t they have gotten over it by now..”

I cannot blame them for this, or be angry at them. She was not their daughter. They did not take her home from the hospital, hovering over her car seat in back of the car. They did not endure nearly sleepless nights by her side in the first few months. They did not see the daily development of that amazing personality grow. They did not see her daily, and fall in love with her more and more at every milestone in those first few years. They did not watch over her now usually peacefully sleeping form on most nights. They did not rejoice in her very clumsy first steps, or cry over her boo boos. They did not pull her excited little self up in front of them on horse back, or ride slowly with her on the atvs (not really the smartest parenting move looking back).

They did not all witness first hand the effect she had on strangers. She drew people to her, looking to encourage and cheer another up, and absolutely always brought out smiles. They did not continually see her over-the-top love and affection for her family members, and for her pets. They did not live through the horror, and then the helplessness of her last week. But she was mine, and I did. All of it, and way more.

As for me memories of her come to me daily. Some slightly faded to be fair. But some ever so brilliantly. Man, I love those! And so I very often look for reminders of her, and look for experiences I know she would have enjoyed. I look for ways to make others smile like she did.

And so comes my own special yearly forget-her-not… This one, coincidentally, involves flowers. And though you do not have to do exactly as I do, I do highly recommend and encourage you to find several forget-them-nots to do/observe, etc for your own closest passed love ones. Several times a year, in fact. For me, to honor my daughter’s need to encourage and cheer people up, sometime near her birthday I find a local florist shop and have them send a very brightly colored floral arrangement to a nearby hospital with the instructions that it just goes to the person there that needs it the most.

In a way, it is a selfish thing for me to do. I don’t want recognition, in fact the note included is often just a simple expression about brightening their day. And I truly and whole heartedly wish that for them. I really do.

But this act does bring close to me some of the sweetest memories of her. Of her just brightening someone’s day. Of her picking “bootiful fwowers” (usually some colorful weeds) for her grandma, grammy or her aunts and cousins, and presenting them with such a huge grin, and excitedly waiting for a happy grin in return. I think Papa even received a partially wilted offering or two. And memories of her trying to share more of those ‘fwowers’ as a treat for the horses… Never even seemed to phase her that the horses tended to just kinda gum the flowers a moment before dropping them and going back to the tastier grain or grass. She was just happy to have done her part.

So this one act I do to honor her, and to bring me those fond memories. On her birthday I will do something more for the family for her, like an M&M birthday cake. Yes, it’s a thing. We will speak fondly about her to our now grown children, and share some of those memories with them.. yet again.

But today, I did this one thing. This one very awesome thing. For her. And for me.

Of Limitlessness…

My daughter was, for the most part, selfless. She was all about others and what would make them happy. And towards her efforts and goals to help make it so there were no barriers. She saw no barriers, and so there were none. For all intents and purposes she was purely and absolutely limitless.

Just her age perhaps? Some might say that. In all honesty that particular outlook seems to be prevalent in numerous toddlers, though geared individually to their own personalities, wants and needs, even their own family dynamic and circumstances.

Toddlers seem to excel in being tunnel-visioned. They set their little hearts, minds, and eyes on something. All else fades into the background, until at last that goal is in their sight, or even better, in their possession. For my toddler, more often than not she succeeded. And in her successes she found great joy and delight, so much so that those feelings inevitably boiled over and must then be shared with the nearest person or persons.

As most of us might know the joy of a toddler seems contagious at the very least, often bringing a genuine smile to the faces of those nearby. It can truly make our day.

Yet how is it that by the time we reach adulthood that sense of limitlessness is so scarce? Protectively tucked away almost, and brought out for only brief moments at a time.

Our dreams and goals have become more grounded in reality. We now see barriers that must first be overcome. The time and efforts to actually succeed often seem to muddy up our steps. We become bogged down. Exhaustion sets in.

Then new barriers seem to pop us, compounding the previous barriers. And now other voices come into the picture, whether our own inner voices or the voices of well meaning friends and family. “Are you sure you are up to that?” “Isn’t that just going to be too hard?” “Isn’t that kind of a wast of time?” “Wouldn’t this be easier, instead?”

Then our own self-doubt kicks into high gear. Maybe those voices are right. Maybe we can’t really do it.. Maybe we should just settle for less.

I recently find myself envious of my daughter, even from all those years ago. So how then do I get back to that limitlessness, particularly as far as my own dreams/goals go? What steps can I take?

I have two dreams/visions, one really big and the other only slightly less so. They are intertwined, to boot. And while I can certainly envision the outcomes, I do not see a clear and straight road to achievement. This road looks full of hills, mountains and curves, with no end in clear sight.

I know full well that there are numerous barriers and potholes along the way. I know this journey is going to be a step by step and mile by mile process. I know there are likely a good number of storms and other dangers along the way. But I also know the goal is so worth it. And not just for me, but for many people and their own families.

So now the question becomes “How do I again become limitlessness?” How do I tap into that as I make my way down this road and along this journey? How will I approach and remove these barriers? How do I not only weather any storms, but come out stronger on the other side? How do I become more tunnel visioned?

I don’t currently have the answers to those questions. I don’t really have a solid game plan. But I do know to take the first step. And then take another. I do know to call on God to take those steps with me. I do know there will be times that He will carry me or shield me. I know that I will need the help of others, now and again. I know I will hurt and feel worn at times. I know there will be times I feel I just can’t take another step. I know it will not be easy.

But… I know the end goal is so very worth it.

So I choose to jump into the journey. With the outlook of limitlessness, as much as with the depths of a toddler’s outlook as possible.

May we all see limitlessness more in our journeys right now, and in these next few seasons in our lives.

of That Ever Changing, Never Ending, Slowly Moving, Worst Enemy & Dearest of Friends…..

What a strange beginning for a post.. and yet for this one thing all these phrases along with numerous others, and many contradictions among them, all can be accurate at any given time.

These descriptives for the word ‘time’ all apply in all humans at some point(s) in their lives. Time marks all of our lives. In big life changing ways, in soft and subtle, barely noticeable small moments.

It is one of those seemingly few things that we all have, inescapably, in common. It touches and shapes us, leaving no one without added depth of character, beauty and even scars. It is quietly continuous. It sneaks up on us. It comes forcefully out of nowhere. It marches, and it stands still. Any of these at any given time.

The feelings and memories brought with time can be so very welcome – embraced with comfort or enthusiasm, or hit us with the force of pain, sorrow, dread, regret.

Ever single person, regardless of divisors (race/ethnicity, religion, political views) feels the effects and remembrances of time, and all of it’s nuances… the highs and the lows of it.

The one difference – and this is a personal belief – is the for those who have lost a dearly close one I think that while in their moments of grief the depths of the emotions, feelings and reactions goes far deeper. The grip of those feelings and emotions connecting both spirit and soul deep. The impact of them is intensified greatly, as is our body’s and mind’s reactions to those. It is not something we can keep at bay, or turn off for convenience or to feel better. This is just now a part of who we are. It comes early on and it comes years and years later. Grief and its effects can be brought to us at any given time.

Time has brought to us this year several notable events. The kinds of events that are wonderfully life changing. The most recent of these being the college graduation of our daughter, T. In the time leading directly up to and through the ceremony, through both preparations and enjoyment, I endured a few different times, moments of grief. In came those thoughts of ‘she should have been here for this!’ and ‘she would have been so proud of her baby sister!’ When the thoughts came they came in so very heavily. In these instances I was able to allow myself to feel the waves of grief. And then I made a conscious effort to look for, find, and savor the enjoyment in these moments in time. D loved her sister with everything she had and along with that was a child given to expressing great love and joy often, and especially for her sister, T. I wanted to honor that in her for this time spent with and for her sister in T’s own big event.

Did I do this with each big moment that time brought our way this year? Honestly… no. There were times filled with grief and pain for more than just a few hours throughout the last year. And that is ok. That is human.

But maybe this year make it a point to allow any of your family and friends their moments of grief. Comfort them when warranted. Offer to be there (and mean it), and be gracious if they don’t except. Allow them to work through, in their own time and pace. Never, ever suggest they just go ahead and get over it or move on. Understand that will never fully happen, and yet they are still worthy of your love and support.

My First Blog Post